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Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, Dr. Kamal After.
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Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you. Alhamdulillah, we're getting ready to welcome Ramadan. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala make this month a true source of blessing for all of us. I'm planning on releasing a very powerful four-part series in Ramadan. But until then, I want to introduce you to this topic of discipline without damage, a workshop that I usually conduct for parents of neurodivergent children. And the following is an audio recording of a similar live event at a Masjid. This topic is very much demanded in the community. And here we talk about how to approach our neurodivergent children, how to define neurodivergence, and how what a Muslim parent should always understand about a child's nervous system. I break down what neurodivergence actually means and what the zones of regulation look like for each nervous system, including a child's or your own. I talk about how dysregulation comes off as a tantrum sometimes and a shutdown at another time. I also integrate Islamic wisdom of how we're being entrusted with a neurodivergent child. If you're raising a child who feels different because they have meltdowns over small transitions, or they're deeply sensitive, or they're highly intelligent, but they can't regulate themselves and they're highly dependent on you as a mother. This episode is for you. And if you listen and start to think that yes, I understand this in theory, but how do I apply it at home? This is exactly why I've created the Ummi Collective, which is my coaching space for Muslim mothers raising independent and successful neurodivergent children. And inside this program I go beyond the concepts and we coach and we work on regulation, your scripts, your authority, how you're gonna show up for your dysregulated child without aggression. We talk about your child's sensory profile, sort of a detox plan around highly addicting sugary foods and processed foods, as well as screens that a lot of neurodivergent children get addicted to because of their dysregulation. So here I'm gonna emphasize how discipline is about understanding a neurodivergent mind's nervous system, and it's less about control and enforcing compliance. Inshallah, you will find this very beneficial. Thank you very much for all of you arranging this. MashaAllah, beautiful families, amazing gathering, alhamdulillah. Truly honored to be here. We have a very important topic to talk about. And I'm just gonna start with a little bit of my introduction. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Dr. Kamal Akhtar. My traditional training is as a physician in turn medicine. I practice, I've been in practice for 32 years. My mental health practice is about six years old. I have a podcast with 260 plus episodes, alhamdulillah, and I have a coaching program called the Ummi Collective, Ummi as in the Arabic word for mother, where I help Muslim mothers raise independent and successful neurodivergent children. The presentation today is structured with me speaking, like talking to you guys. There's it's gonna be top-heavy, a lot of intellectual type of definitions, a lot of language, which I think is important for us as a Muslim community to understand, especially uh when we're taking care of children. And then we're gonna go into questions and it's gonna be like more of a back and forth. But if of course a question comes up, feel free to raise your hand and um I can always address it. This topic that I was invited to speak about has to do with helping um autistic children and how we can raise them. Now, you can understand the sensitivity around the topic, you can understand how uh it could be a little bit charged for some people more than others. I'm gonna give you definitions that will hopefully, inshallah, bring it home and it will help us understand that including different neurotypes is extremely important. So, what that means is um I'm gonna be using a term called um neurodivergence. Okay, so neurodivergence is basically an umbrella term, that's a non-medical term. Basically means that you perceive things differently, you act differently, you um have uh inherent differences. So, how many here fall under that definition? People that think differently, act differently. I think all of the hands should go up because we all think differently and act differently. So, neurodivergence is while it's an umbrella term, it's usually not applied to people who are otherwise don't carry a diagnosis. So, if you have a diagnosis of autism, which is defined as a developmental condition characterized and differences social communication and restricted or repetitive behaviors, restrictive interests, andor sensory sensitivities. And it is a bit of a spectrum. So, like let's say you or you somebody you know or your child carries that diagnosis, then they will fall more under the neurodivergent umbrella than what they otherwise call neurotypicals. Okay, neurotypicals are more people where don't have any diagnosis. And when I say diagnosis, I mean all sorts of psychiatric diagnosis are included in this neurodivergent umbrella. OCD, depression, anxiety, um, there is um all personality disorders. Like I can give you a list of what pathologies fall under neurodivergence, but I'm not going to because we're here. We are talking about empowerment. Here we are non-pathologizing, including these children that can otherwise require more of a caregiver's attention, be it a father, be it a mother. So neurodiversity just basically speaks to a variation in neurological function learning styles. This was again created to include people rather than exclude people. Now you'll notice that I am using both neurodivergence and autism interchangeably. They're not interchangeable in its their purest form, but I want to do that just because I want to be inclusive of anybody who is not autistic or otherwise identifies as neurodivergent. Um, ADD is another very big diagnosis that falls under this diagnosis. Okay. So there are three levels of autism. Level one, requiring support, level two, requiring substantial support, level three requiring very substantial support. So when I came across these definitions, I was like, that's not very helpful. I don't know what this means. So level one is basically somebody who you can interact with and you might not know then they're on that they're on the spectrum. They don't have the quirkiness, they don't have the awkwardness of the social interaction. Level two does have that awkwardness of a social interaction. They have a hard time making eye contact, they have a hard time initiating conversations, expressive language. Um, they have obvious social behaviors that you can otherwise identify as okay, yes, this person uh might be on the spectrum. And that level two also requires support, um, family support, social support, expert support. Then there is uh level three, where there's substantial support is required, where there is minimum to no language, um, extensive toiletry needs, and there's little to no initiation of interactions. So this is when uh these children are needing um a lot of accessory and extra help. Okay. The core message that I want you guys to understand from here on out is the nervous system is where it's at. Okay, you are gonna focus on the nervous system. Again, as caregivers, you don't have to have a child that has a diagnosis. This applies to all children, neurotypical or otherwise, because it's basically framed in basic psychology. So it's very helpful for us to understand what that means. A lot of current public resources, especially through the school system or otherwise, are geared towards behavior modification. And that is one modality, but that does not go to the core of what is happening in a neurodivergent mind. And that's what we're gonna talk about today. So you're gonna take home messages nervous system, a person's thoughts and emotions is where it's at. And this is what we're gonna target when we are trying to support these children, when we're trying to help them be more independent and more regulated. So this little graphic, which I drew before I came, um, I wanted you guys to have this image literally seared into your mind. Okay, so these are three concentric circles: green in the middle, yellow on the outside, and red on the outermost. And what this represents is these are zones of your nervous system. Okay, every human being goes through this all their lives, including, and especially I want to talk about again is neurodivergent children. And the reason I'm doing that is because it is important for us to understand when a neurodivergent mind is in what zone, so we can target how we're gonna approach supporting them. So, what that means is it becomes very important for us to understand what each of this looks like. Okay, the so the middle circle, the green zone, is the safe zone. This is where the child is feeling safe, it's uh they're feeling they can rest, they are interacting, they're restoring their energy, they are uh enjoying quiet focus, they're either resting or engaging in an activity that is otherwise not challenging for them. So, this is like you coming home to yourself. This is you being yourself and feeling very comfortable and very safe. Like we have all experienced that at some point or another, inshallah insalah, if anything else. Then there is the second stage, which is the window of tolerance. Okay, this is another very key word that I want you guys to understand. Now, originally the guy that created this uh made the window of tolerance to be like up and down, and you are up and down. I too, I just kind of modified it to kind of fit this theme, and it I think uh fits uh the neuropsychiatry a little bit better. So, in window of tolerance is where you or this neurodivergent child that you're taking care of is growing, they're exploring, they're learning, they are expanding their horizons, they are meeting the demands of otherwise daily life. Like if a person, if a child's very much into play and they all of a sudden have to go to the bathroom, they need to be within their window of tolerance to be able to disengage with that play that is otherwise very fun and then go use the restroom. Then there is the red zone. Okay, so first of all, for neurodivergent individuals, the window of tolerance looks different than neurotypical individuals. So it could be that they are engaging in repetitive play, it could be that they're otherwise stimming, what otherwise to an untrained eye looks like oh my god, there might be something wrong. That's just their way of keeping themselves calm, keeping themselves regulated. This is just the way they sort of engage with the world. Again, the way we're describing a neurodivergent mind is that they perceive things differently. Okay, that's the only definition we're going with and keeping it very basic because we don't want to again pathologize them, we don't want to otherise them. Then again, the red zone here has to do with when you are dysregulated, when you are reactive, when your higher most wise mind goes offline. Okay, this is the phase where evolutionarily speaking, you had to run, you had to flee to save your life. So now, alhamdulillah, we live in a society where it's otherwise safe and we're not fleeing for our life. Except the primal mind didn't get that message. So if a child is very much engaged in a play and you say it's time to get up and say salam to the guests, or time to get up and eat dinner, time to get up and do salah, and they lose their mind, it's because they think there's something threatening happening. So there's no actual threat to their physical safety. You're a loving, attentive parent, but their nervous system perceives that withdrawal of dopamine, that withdrawal of fun as I'm gonna die. And that is a lie, and you and I as an adult might know that, but they don't know that. And that's totally okay. That's a part of their growth, that's a part of their learning, it's a part of their childhood experience. So in this red zone, people behave in four major ways, okay? That's fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And how you respond is first of all, you get to kind of be cognizant of from now on what your red zone response looks like, like when you're reactive, when you've kind of lost control, and what your predominant behavior looks like, okay. The reason I'm asking you to pay attention to what your dysregulated response looks like is so that you can attune yourself to what your child's dysregulated response looks like. And it might not be the same as yours, it might be completely different. So, fight response is when you are engaging, when you are uh engaging in aggressive behavior. Uh, for children, it's biting, fighting, uh, throwing punches, um, it's throwing a tantrum and just throwing yourself on the floor. It this is when this is how they're behaving when they think something dangerous is happening. Again, nothing physically dangerous to the safety, but also their children, they're learning. A lot of times, I'm talking about it in terms of children. We do that, like we do the same thing as if we are in an argument with our spouse and our predominant response is engage and fight and argue, we are dysregulated, especially if we are not able to control that response. If our predominant response is withdraw and get sad and just lie in bed for two days, that's the freeze response. These are all present in everyone. Again, I am mentioning that in children because that's what we're here to talk about, that's what we're supporting. But it happens in everyone. So I want you guys to be aware of what your response looks like. And I'm gonna tell you what this uh looks like more. Children co-regulate when they're little, they co-regulate with their caregiver, their mothers, if that's their that's their primary presence, their father, depending on how big of a presence they have. If a child is dysregulated and they're crying, they're hungry, or the swing is too fast and they're scared, then the mother comes and consoles them, and the father comes and knows you're safe, everything's fine. So they co-regulate, meaning they're calming themselves down, they're bringing themselves from that fear mode, that red zone, back to the yellow, back to the green using their caregivers' calm presence. Okay. If co-regulation is contagious at that level, so is dysregulation. What that means for adults as caregivers is when you are in your fight, flight, fleece, freeze, fond response for whatever reason, you're in stress because of work, finances, a lot going on, had a long day, it's too hot, I'm too hungry, whatever the reason is, and you are unable to keep yourself in the window of tolerance, children, especially neurodivergent children who are extremely sensitive to your state of being, can get dysregulated as well. So just like co-regulation is contagious, dysregulation is contagious. So for all of us present here, it becomes very important for us to understand what our signs and symptoms are when we're dysregulated and how we calm ourselves down, how we bring ourselves back to a sense of safety. So for a fight response, control equals safety. For a flight response, escape equals safety. For a freeze response, stillness or disappearing equals safety. For a fond response, pleasing or appeasing equals safety. And the fond response actually didn't get classified as a dysregulated response up until almost a decade, which in the field of science is pretty recent, and it's rather unfortunate because this is a mostly feminine response. This is where women, when they feel threatened, female children, when they feel threatened, this is how they behave. They behave by neglecting themselves and just doing what everyone else thinks they should be doing. So, culturally speaking, that is more appropriate because this is a girly behavior, like you're supposed to do what you're told to do. So that's why a lot of times in girl children, autism is diagnosed much later when they're either adults or they're in their teens and they can actually verbalize what they're going through. Otherwise, as young girls, it seems like this is normal, this is how it's supposed to be, this is a good child. And in autism, they have a name for it. It's called masking. Okay, so I'm telling you all of these scientific definitions. How are you gonna implement this? How are you gonna keep your child while you're trying to discipline them from entering into this red zone, from being dysregulated? Okay, because this is what we're here for. We're here to talk about how we're gonna discipline these neurodivergent children. And there's a lot of like permissive parenting, gentle parenting, and all of that out there, which is great. Like it's fine. I don't want you to relate to the word discipline as if it's strict, rigid, military-style, rule-imposing thing. Okay. I'm talking about discipline in a way where we can gently, firmly, whatever is required, lovingly, guide them into following rules, keep them safe, uh, be in the fold of Islam, teach them proper etiquette, uh, whatever you think the rules are as an adult. Okay. So for that, you also have to know a child's hyper and hyposensitivity. Otherwise, it's called a personal sensory profile, and they have a lot of measures for it. They have a lot of like guides and quizzes, very detailed everything. But I want you guys to just think of it as five senses: vision, um, hearing, touch, smell, taste, and then two more senses, which is movement and interreception. So total seven of them. Okay. When you are thinking about somebody being hypo or hypersensitive, it's possible that just being alive and going through the experience of life being in this body might be too much for a neurodivergent child. Okay. So if somebody has hyposensitive sensitivity in vision, let's say, then they're gonna be seeking stimulus, they're gonna be like looking at the fan spinning, they're gonna be looking, they're gonna be trying to feed that hyposensitivity with some sort of stimulus so they can make sense of the world around them. If they're hypersensitive, then they're gonna avoid the stimulus. And what that looks like is if they're hypersensitive in their vision, then they're gonna avoid bright lights or they're gonna get very uncomfortable in LED lights, they can't really tolerate blinking lights and stuff like that. So that's vision. Then there's hearing, um, covering your ears when there's vacuum, uh, becoming very um dysregulated at the loud phone ringing. That's hypersensitivity, hyposensitivity is when um you're kind of in your own world, not responding to your name, and you're being loud, the child's being loud, just to be able to hear themselves, just so they can feed that sense of what is otherwise not being fed, the hearing. Same with the touch, um, requiring deep pressure or uh tight hugs, hyposensitivity, hypersensitivity is don't touch me, and I just want to be alone, and um, all of that. Same way with the smell, avoiding smells or seeking out uh smells, then there is movement. If the child is hypersensitive in their movement, then um it could show up as fear of even walking or being uh any in any kind of um ride that moves or swing, trying to avoid that because they're having a lot of difficulty making sense of all of that stimulus, all of that input that's coming in because their nervous system is hypersensitive. Hyposensitive is constantly seeking stimulus, constantly bouncing off the walls, constantly getting up, doing something just to feel alive, just to know what it is like to be in their body. So once I've told you about the hyper and the hyposensitivity, I am gonna tell you that they don't occur as dichotomies. There is a Lot of overlap, there's a lot of gray. What that means is the same child that might be in their red zone because of a loud phone noise, because they're hungry, because they're tired, because they've had a lot of demands already on them throughout the day, might not be dysregulated with the same phone ringing the next day when they are not tired, when they're well rested, when they're not hungry, when all of the rest of their demands are met. Once you understand your child's personal sensory profile, it helps you figure out what puts them in their red zone, what puts them in the dysregulated zone. So, what does all of this have to do with disciplining? Like, what are we talking about all this time? The difference here is, which is why I brought this one visual when the child is dysregulated, you can't teach them. They won't learn anything new. All they're trying to do is survive this threat that is otherwise dangerous. And I keep that in air quotes because it's not dangerous, but to them it is. So it's their reality, it's their subjective experience, which is absolutely true and absolutely needs to be respected, but it is also there's no actual threat. So this is true for every human being. Our prefrontal cortex, our highest, most wise mind goes offline when we sense a threat. It could be a loss of a job, it could be a category five hurricane coming, it could be an argument with your spouse, it could be financial struggles, it could be anything for an adult. It looks different for adults than it does for children because, for the most part, what adults have learned is to regulate themselves. When they are in their window of tolerance, when they are in their red zone, they know how to bring themselves back to safety, how to bring themselves back to their window of tolerance. That's what all adults have done successfully to be able to operate in the world. So this sense of interoception, that is the seventh sense, how are you gonna classify that as hyper or hyposensitive? And the answer is you're not. The answer is you're gonna help the child understand their own inner world in their own terms, what that looks like for them. And for neurodivergent children, when you place a demand on them, when you say we're it's 6 p.m., it's 8 p.m., we're having dinner, come to the table. When you take away their sense of autonomy, their sense of freedom, their sense of choice, that in itself is perceived as a threat. How are you gonna teach your child to pray five times a day if they're perceiving a threat every time you demand them that please go ahead and pray? And this is what we're here to learn because again, there are non-negotiables that you have as parents, there are non-negotiables that is absolutely must for the child for their own safety and for their own health. Demand is perceived as a threat. In that case, what you can do is offer choices. And a lot of professionals, mental health experts, autism experts uh give you this advice that okay, if the child uh is not listening to you, give them choices. Okay, again, we can act on the behavior, we can just help them memorize or ourselves memorize what the next step is, what the appropriate next intervention is. But it makes a lot more sense when we understand what's happening behind the scenes. And in this case, the choices look like so I have clients up north and it's minus 13 degrees, and the child doesn't want to wear the jacket, and there's absolute tantrum going on. Okay, do you wanna wear it now or do you want to wear it in five minutes? Because we're leaving and you don't want to be home alone, and you can wear it in five minutes, or you can wear it now or in 10 minutes. You can set a timer, visual cues help. Okay, you want to wear the green jacket or the red jacket? Do you want to put the right hand first or the left hand first? They don't want to sit in a car seat. Oh, okay. Do you want to come from the back or the front? Do you want to come from the side or do you want to come climb in like a monkey? Whatever helps them understand that they do have choice in this otherwise world that's taking their choice away, that's taking their autonomy away. So I do believe that neurodivergence is emerging and being diagnosed more because a lot more people are becoming very uh status quo, becoming just about going through the emotions and uh not really woke for that, for that matter. So then this new generation um or the people more and more with these neurodivergent diagnoses are here to teach us what it looks like to celebrate individuality, what it looks like to have a mind that just won't conform to whatever it is that you're trying to make them conform to. Like they will ask questions, they will find out um what the reason behind what you want me to do is. Now, for in regards to this interoception, another and actually a double whammy is the demands are perceived as threats and their minds are extra sensitive to the dopamine withdrawal. So the high sugar content of any food that you and I love and crave, if you take that away, they their mind, their primal mind, basically thinks they're dying. They think that this is survival, like this food is how they're gonna stay alive. So it takes a lot of creativity, it takes a lot of understanding of this framework, um, how you're gonna be able to uh help them uh eat healthier and healthier each time. Um, so immediate gratification is extremely addicting to the neurodivergent mind. So our responsibility then becomes to teach them more and more delayed gratification, uh, dessert after dinner, or only one dessert during the day, or uh no chewy candies because you have cavities or whatever your, again, whatever your rules are around that. And then understanding that your demand will put them in their red zone, and understanding that there might be a tantrum, there might be a withdrawal. And I keep saying tantrums as a red zone behavior, as their dysregulated behavior. Again, like I say, it can look like people pleasing, it can look like completely withdrawing, it can look like them avoiding you altogether because they don't like this type of uh uh dynamic. Okay. Um the point of discipline is not that the child is never dysregulated, the point is not that the child is never in pain, that they don't feel fragmented, they don't feel unattached to the world. That is not the point. Your job as a parent is not to keep them comfortable all of their life, as difficult as it might be to hear, because we want to keep them pain-free. We want to keep them comfortable, we want to give them all of the luxury of the world, and like we we want to give them everything we have, plus more. Then how can I sit here and say that that's not the point? That's because Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala created the human mind where it interprets pain and it interprets joy. It's half-half. It interprets uh hardship with ease. It's right next to it. So you can cushion your child, bubble your child, you can keep your child in the most uh isolated zone, hoping that they would never be exposed to the elements of the world and never feel pain, and they would start making pain out of you. They'd be like, What are you doing? This is I don't want to live this life. You cannot change this ratio, you cannot change the Sunnah of Allah. What you can do is help them understand what it feels like to be in pain and then to come back to the window of tolerance to start feeling safe. That is the base of the basis of discipline. The basis of discipline is never that they're not gonna throw a tantrum or why do they keep throwing a tantrum up and trying to teach them all this time and it's taking too long. Neurodivergent minds do take a little bit extra time and a different unique modalities than neurotypical minds. None of that has gone wrong. What has gone wrong is your expectation that your child should never be in pain. That is not gonna happen. And it's interesting because when I coach women, they logically know that. But then they're like, oh, yesterday guest came over and I was telling him not to have his iPad on the dinner table, and he started throwing things and it was so embarrassing. Why did that happen? And I'm like, okay, so you do understand that they you can't save them, but you also wish that you could save them, and this type of dichotomy occurs simultaneously, especially in uh parents for neurodivergent children. So um, while what I'm saying might logically make sense because you've heard this, it's much harder to put in the practice. Okay, so we're gonna come maybe go through some examples and I'll um, inshallah, take some questions as well to help you uh if there is a unique situation going on. So demands are perceived as threats by the introsceptive mind. Um withdrawal of immediate gratification is perceived as threats. So when you are on this journey, you are not to blame yourself when the child is in obvious pain because you asked them to do something or uh they were supposed to do something. Your responsibility in that moment, no matter what their red zone behavior looks like, is to love them unconditionally. That is your only responsibility. And what that looks like is going to be different. If they're aggressive, if they're biting, if they're throwing things, if they're breaking furniture, if they're aggressive, then maybe love looks like firmness. You hold them down, you isolate them from other children or the crowd or yourself, you hold them away, and you I'm here, I'm present, do what you have to do. This is this rule stands, and this is how it's gonna go. And they will go through their little tantrum and they will calm down when you're calm. The most important factor that we talked about earlier in the talk is you stay regulated, you don't enter your red zone because that's when they continue to get dysregulated, and then everything escalates. And this is where, especially, I see um with teenage children or adult children when they have a lot of autonomy and they know how to practice it. When both the parent and the child is dysregulated, they're in their red zone, they're coming with their behavior, predominant behavior, the other person's coming with their predominant behavior, it turns into a power struggle. And that's when the relationships break apart, and this is where we have to be careful. You as an adult has a given responsibility to regulate yourself before you approach a dysregulated child. That is your unwritten contract that you made when you with Allah when you had children. Like this is what you're here to do. Okay, and again, easier said than done. When we're tired, when there's nothing to eat and everyone's just munching on junk, and you want to eat the hem have them. This might or might not be a true story, and you want them to eat healthy and it's not happening, then you can yell. Like you might be dysregulated. If you're dysregulated, see what you have to do to support yourself, be a quiet moment, or maybe they do get cupcakes for dinner that night. I don't know. Um, whatever you have to do, you just don't meet a dysregulated child with their energy because you are a grown adult. You are supposed to be providing them safety and security. Okay, so we decided that the point of discipline is not that the child doesn't get dysregulated and you try to control all of their environment and all of the variables in their environment, and you become a helicopter parent and a lawnmower parent and a bubble parent or whatever parenting is out there. That is not the point. The point is if you see that because of your demand, there's something happening, you either modify, you take a step back, go back to the drawing board, okay. How can I place this demand in a more um acceptable manner? Yes. Okay, so we talked about um you stopping and you're not reacting to their behavior, you are responding to your own internal cues. When you understand their sensitivities, you adjust what needs to be adjusted in their environment, meaning if they're tired, they need two naps a day, give it to them so you know that they're not gonna and it's interesting because most parents here intuitively know what that looks like. They know, listen, this is what my child needs. They need milk at this time, or they need uh to be outside, and they have a lot of energy, they're bouncing off the walls, they need the playground. Like they need they know how the child is regulating themselves. It's just that we don't, of course, talk about it in scientific terms, and you don't have to talk about it in scientific terms outside of maybe when you're talking to experts or when you're advocating for your child. This is when this understanding becomes extremely important. You are already helping your child stay regulated and stay and feel safe. You're already doing that, it's just a matter of being specific to what your unique child requires. And I would again say start with yourself, what your requirements are of when you feel like you're sort of losing the plot and becoming reactive, or you're uh more regulated and you can come to the situation as a present grounded adult. What not to do is to teach them when they are in their red zone, what not to do is to shame them for their behavior because that shrinks their window of tolerance even further. They start to judge themselves for being different, and um what again not to do is to meet them in their red zone when you are in your red zone. And I believe deep down inside this is the this is the framework of the Riyah. This is what Islam teaches us. Um there are a lot of individuals who are parents who have less than a teaspoon of emotional intelligence, and okay, I mean, uh you and that's when generational trauma perpetuates. This is when parents who have not learned to feel safe themselves, regardless of what their situation requires, they have not learned how to regulate themselves, and that mostly happens through inner reflection, inner self-acceptance, self-love. When parents have not learned to do that, you perpetuate that to the next generation and the next generation. And it's sad to see because for the Muslim Uma, it becomes very obvious as the effects of colonization and marginalization and Islamophobia, and us as adults are dealing with that, and we have to find a way to not only survive that, but to thrive in that and to stay safe in that so that we can not perpetuate the same uh problem to to the next generation. Neurodivergent children again or neurotypical children don't respond to language as well because their language mind is offline. It's literally an on-off switch. As adults, we're very good at turning that switch on and off, but for children, they're still learning. So if you think that their reasoning mind is offline, a lot of body-based techniques help. Breathing, um uh engaging in an activity, uh hugging a soft something or another, their plushy toy, um, water, uh and this is when you are expanding their window of tolerance and teaching them is it not only is it safe for you to feel this pain, to feel dysregulated, it's not only okay for you to be behaving aggressively, but I'm here for you and I'm gonna teach you how to come back to the window of tolerance. So, since neurodivergent children are much more experiential learners, you will have to be very creative with what that looks like. And again, it's highly individual, and you're gonna have to tailor. And we can talk about um if somebody has specific questions. So, mostly what you're working on is what your script looks like when the child is dysregulated, and what the script looks like when the child is safe. When the child's feeling safe, and when their window of tolerance, you can use more language, you can teach them this is why the rule was in place and this is why this wasn't acceptable, and you can you can engage with them. That's the window, that's the area when they're growing, when they're receptive, when they're able to listen a lot more. A dysregulated parent cannot raise an independent autistic adult unless when they're an autistic adult, they go out and they reach out for resources themselves and they get therapy and they get mental health interventions and they they learn how to be an autistic adult themselves. And that's all I had. Ya Allah settle our hearts and steady our bodies to help us lead our children with calm and wisdom and mercy. Help me and all of us in this room for performing our parenting duties in a manner that is pleasing to you. Allow us to raise independent leaders as adults that are strong in their faith and are the leaders of this ummah. Rabbana, atina, fiddl niahasana, fiddl akhrithi hatana, thank you so much, every.
