ļ»æSpeaker 1: 0:05
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, Dr Kamal Aftar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1: 0:19
As you might know that I hardly ever think of emotions as complex. I think when you break emotions down into their sensations and when you trace them back to the thoughts that are creating them, you can very simply work with any emotions and through any emotions. But there's one emotion that time and time again in my life and in my coaching work comes up and needs a lot of work around it before it can be truly processed, and that's the emotion of contempt. According to John Gottman, the number one predictor of divorce is contempt, and the definition is that it is a complex emotion involving disdain, superiority, emotional distancing from another person as a result of perceived moral or character flaws. And if that's not hard enough to work with, you are mostly not aware that you're carrying disdain for others. Disdain is a feeling that someone or something is unworthy of your consideration or respect. While you carry contempt in some of your closest relationships, you do not think that you do. In some of your closest relationships, you do not think that you do. And here I'm using disdain and contempt interchangeably, so for all intentional purposes, they pretty much capture the same meaning for this podcast.
Speaker 1: 1:35
So while we carry contempt in our closest relationships and we don't know that we carry it we simply think that we're right. What do you mean? You can leave coffee stains on the counter after making coffee. We believe that's not right. You believe that if he leaves the coffee counter dirty every time, that's not the right thing to do. You are so convinced that your opinion being the only right one that it's natural to think that your point of view is correct and his point of view of always being in a hurry or thinking that he'll wipe down the counter once he's done making coffee for five times in a day, you do not take his opinion into consideration. He might think that it's okay to have a dirty counter and he never wants to clean up after himself. All of this does not give you the license to hold contempt. None of this makes his choices less valuable than yours. His choices are valuable to him because he has the freedom to make them.
Speaker 1: 2:31
Your disdain and contempt costs you, not him. So contempt says I'm done trying. It looks like sarcasm, eye-rolling mockery and the worst kind is when many women are expert is silent disapproval. So disdain is a type of contempt that you hold. Why do your in-laws not care if your kids ate cookies for dinner? Their explanation is at least they ate something. To them that's the right choice. To you that's not the right choice, because they might as well go hungry than feed them something detrimental to their health.
Speaker 1: 3:07
Again, you will not think you're feeling like superior to anyone, but you will think you're right, and it's possible in many opinions that you are right. But that does not mean that you allow yourself to live in contempt for others yourself, to live in contempt for others. Your contempt for others does not hurt them, it only hurts you. So contempt only really lives in our closest relationships because it requires two ingredients A history, a shared time, shared expectations, shared disappointments and a presumption of equality, the belief that, even if it's unconscious that this person should know better, should meet you at your level, should be capable of reciprocity.
Speaker 1: 3:52
You usually don't feel contempt for strangers or acquaintances because there's no emotional ledger. They haven't built a pattern with you, so there's nothing deep to withdraw from. There's no trust or respect that is lost If a stranger cuts you off in traffic, you might feel irritation, maybe even anger and rage, but not contempt, because there's no bond that can be corroded, no shared foundation that's dissolving. Similarly, contempt rarely takes root with children because you don't expect them to be your equal. You understand that they're still growing, still learning, still dependent on you for guidance. But contempt will crawl in whenever, subconsciously, you're equating your children to your level. Mostly their mistakes don't feel like moral betrayal, they feel like developmental moments. You might get frustrated but you hold a baseline awareness, even if it's subconscious, that they're not your peers. So you don't judge them through the same lens of capability and responsibility that you otherwise judge other adults through.
Speaker 1: 4:59
That's why a lot of times contempt is exclusive and found in intimate relationships, close family ties, deep friendships and long-term work partnerships, Relationships where the brain builds expectations to be high. When those expectations are repeatedly violated, your brain shifts from we're on the same team to you should know better than this, and that's when contempt takes root. It's essentially an emotional rust that forms on the steel beams of your most important connections, and these are the connections and structures that only exist when you build something together with someone in the first place. So if you're going to go through stages, the first stage would be love, acceptance, admiration, warmth, trust, generosity, belief that we're on the same team. There's a relaxed nervous system. There's openness, vulnerability, giving the benefit of the doubt. There's joy and closeness, mutual excitement, but this is what creates the risk point for contempt, Because in these cases you're open, your expectations for safety and reciprocity are high.
Speaker 1: 6:09
Then comes the disappointment, confusion, sadness, letdown, built on beliefs that I thought he'd show up for me or I thought she'd do this for me, but they didn't. A lot of times, superficial ruptures of this nature can be repaired with clarification or making excuses for others and giving second chances. But the key experience and if it's repeated, the real evidence that develops is that they won't always meet your needs. And if this disappointment isn't expressed, processed and communicated, this is going to become stored and that's how contentment and resentment builds up. That's the third stage, where you have frustration, bitterness, suppressed anger, disdain, resentment. The belief is there is no open communication, or at least the brain doesn't let you acknowledge that there is, and it continues to build on that. The other party keeps doing this and I keep suppressing it. There's scorekeeping, passive-aggressive comments, rumination, avoidance of certain topics, constant pattern, recognition of evidence from the past, realizing that it's not a one-off event, it's a constant dynamic. Then resentment is reactive and this is where contempt develops.
Speaker 1: 7:30
The fourth stage, the contempt which is the verdict constant disdain, superiority, moral disgust, the belief being that you're beneath my respect, you'll never change. This is where the beliefs of I am right comes in. For the most part, in this stage, you've stopped expecting reciprocity and you've mentally demoted them and shut all doors. There's no reactivity, it's just your stance, it's your constant belief system. This level of contempt and disdain says I've judged you and I'm done trying when you're living in this state.
Speaker 1: 8:07
Contempt can be internalized or externalized. Most of the time, women are socialized to show contempt in words. Men do it outwardly, with anger and aggression. Most of the time they're not taught inward reflection, While women mostly do it to the point of rumination. But either way, no matter how you express it, it's still contempt. This is a misdirected signal of unmet needs where you have plenty of tools if you otherwise wanted to meet these needs. All of this is based on a distortion of self-worth, that somehow your self-worth is attached to other people's acceptance of your values, which, again, I will remind you your self-worth is unchanging, regardless of how many times your brain forgets it. Contempt is a cover for your insecurities where otherwise it's used as a defense mechanism and applied anger to others, Weaponized blame when vulnerability feels too threatening, especially if there's fear of inadequacy or loss of control or fear of abandonment.
Speaker 1: 9:16
The most liberating realization here is that all of these are thought errors. You can simply heal from them. Or thought errors you can simply heal from them. Shaitan works to make you forget your worth as a human being. It says your worship isn't good enough. Your worth comes from your productivity. So you go through life brooding in your insecurities and constantly having a mental competition with others to prove your existence. That competition is fertile ground for contempt, because you're never in contempt of a child because there's no competition. But maybe if the child is grown up and she steals your outfits, your hijabs, your dresses, your shoes right out of your closet and all of them go missing, then you start to be frustrated because now she's in competition with you and that one might or might not have been a true story. But remembering that the most rewarded shaitan by Iblis is the one who causes a strife in marriage and contempt causes strife Through superiority of your thought. Shaitan says that you are totally justified in your contempt Because there's no other avenue in your contempt, because there's no other avenue. When you find yourself stuck in that dynamic, you can safely assume that this thought error is from whispers of shaitan.
Speaker 1: 10:31
So contempt itself is tricky because it can wear two faces. On one hand it's an emotion, somewhat of an inner cocktail of superiority, resentment, disgust. But it's also a verb, a behavior, something that you do and perform. You hold someone in contempt, you treat them with contempt. It's not always just how you feel, it's also how you act and more often how you don't act, because mostly you're withdrawing, You're refusing to engage, You're giving silent treatment. So there's a lot of omission of action in contempt as well, which is why I originally said that this is somewhat complex. But contempt by far is one of the most corrosive emotional states that you can carry yourself in, not just for your relationships but for you. It's erosive because it wears away on your capacity to see other people and yourself as complex and redeemable. The more contempt you carry, the more your brain hardens around a single flattened story they're not worth it. I'm above this. They'll never change and this narrative feels like self-protection, but over time it is a cage. It blocks empathy, curiosity, trust. All of these are raw materials to build connection from, and once those raw materials are gone, resentment has free reign to grow.
Speaker 1: 11:56
Contempt, disdain, highly tolling on your psyche because it keeps you in a state of sustained moral alert. You're scanning for proof that you're right about the person who you want to hold in contempt. This is a form of constant cognitive, emotional and mental labor. Even if it looks like you're resting to other people, the mind is always busy, drafting closing arguments, rehearsing comebacks. It is cataloging every offense. You can't truly be at ease because contempt does not let you rest. It feeds on your constant hypervigilance. That's why it is extremely metabolically expensive, Since emotions live in the body. Holding contempt means that your nervous system, subtly or not so subtly, is activated all the time your stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline. They stay elevated, even if it's at low-grade levels, and over time, this low-level, constant activation drains your energy, the energy that you could otherwise be using for creativity, for intimacy, for joy. It's like leaving your phone with 100 open apps. You can keep going, but your battery is going to die much faster and the system runs slower.
Speaker 1: 13:14
Ironically, contempt starts as a way to save energy with beliefs like I won't even bother engaging with this person anymore. But this is what I call snooty contempt, which is quiet, nose in the air decision that they're not even worth your time. That type of snooty contempt is a lot of times in women, also directed inwards that you don't even want to give yourself the time of the day to self-reflect or improve or heal. To give yourself the time of the day to self-reflect or improve or heal. On the surface, it looks like you've let other people's behavior roll off your back, that you're above it and you're over it. But if you have to keep telling yourself or others that you're not bothered, that you've moved on, that in itself is a dead giveaway that you haven't.
Speaker 1: 14:01
You wish you were over it. You want to be over it, but you aren't. Because if you truly were, it wouldn't be a recurring headline in your mind. It wouldn't even be a topic of discussion, it would never slip into conversations. If you were truly over it, that inner monologue would not live rent-free in your head. And the best way to overcome this is not to fake indifference head. And the best way to overcome this is not to fake indifference is not to fake that you don't care. It's to admit the truth. Admit that I'm still trying to get over this. This single act of honesty helps you shift out of denial and into possibility. When you acknowledge that contempt might still be alive in you, you bring it into your conscious field where you can actually contemplate it and do something about it.
Speaker 1: 14:47
Snooty contempt is metabolically expensive. It's running in the background like a hidden app, draining your mental battery while you think you're coasting and resting. It's invisible to your conscious mind until you name it. And once you name it you can decide do I want to keep feeding this or do I want to claim my energy back? Content for high achievers a lot of times looks like constant criticism of yourself of not reaching financial goals. Instead of saying I suck at business, try saying that didn't work. I'm still figuring it out.
Speaker 1: 15:25
Like I said, contempt can be directed outwards and inwards. External contempt in marriage can look like if the husband says you're so selfish for traveling without me, you as a wife pause and says it seems like this makes you left behind. What would help you to feel connected while I'm gone, While this is a perfect opportunity for you to hold contempt against your husband. There are other ways to deal with it. So now let me give you some thought exercises for you to recognize it easier. The next time when you feel contempt is sneaking in, ask yourself when you feel contempt is sneaking in, ask yourself where in my body is it living? Is this feeling giving me power or stealing it? Is this about somebody else, or is it about a need I gave up or I haven't met? No-transcript. So these thoughts and questions are an invitation for you to meet your needs.
Speaker 1: 16:25
The worst kind of contempt is the self-directed one, because you can't just get up and walk away from it. You live with it 24-7. And for high-performing women it's especially brutal because the brain is so used to running on achievement and excellence. On achievement and excellence, the same sharp mind that solves the problems and breaks barriers also knows exactly how to aim with precision at itself. One mistake and you tell yourself I'm not cut out for this, it's taking too long. I should have already learned this.
Speaker 1: 16:58
You always have an opportunity to reframe your internal contempt. None of your thoughts are final verdicts about yourself. You can practice self-coaching. You can say more self-accepting and graceful things to yourself. You can say to yourself. This one marketing campaign failed. I learned something that will save me a thousand dollars next time. The shift is I messed up, so I'm useless. This gives more fuel to inner directed contempt, To saying mistakes are data for future mastery.
Speaker 1: 17:33
A simple reframe will turn very expensive contempt into fuel that then later fuels your success Instead of eroding your self-worth. The experience becomes a part of your growth record. You stop seeing yourself as the root of the problem and you start seeing everything as a scientist testing, learning, improving with each round. I cannot say it enough the most expensive contempt that you're carrying around is the one you aim at yourself, the eye roll that you gave your partner that you noticed. You've probably already given that to yourself 10 times worse, that constant judgment, that measuring, the never good enough standard that will erode your perception of your worth from inside out.
Speaker 1: 18:20
And that is absolutely the work of shaitan, Because if he can get you to live in a broken relationship with yourself, everything else will also break when you walk through life doubting your own value, questioning your decisions. That energy spills into every relationship, your marriage, your friendships, your works. None of them can thrive if the person showing up in them is carrying self-disdain in her heart. So shaitan doesn't have to destroy your connections directly. All it has to do is keep you in contempt of yourself, and the rest will follow, Healing that relationship with yourself might look like superficial self-care, but it is deep spiritual protection. When you treat yourself with respect, compassion, fairness, you close one of the easiest doors shaitan uses to walk into your life.
Speaker 1: 19:12
The solution for all of this is actually extremely simple Keep your thoughts in check. But you can't keep your thoughts in check if you don't even know that they're there. So start with acknowledging that you might be carrying contempt. Unless you do that, you'll have no reason to examine your inner dialogue. You'll keep rehearsing the same mental script, reinforcing the judgments, telling yourself that it's just reality. Meanwhile, all of your moral superiority continues to harden and you'll be convinced that the world is the problem and that your relationship was doomed from the start. Your acknowledgement opens the possibility to break the loop. The moment you say I'm holding contempt right now, you create a gap between the feeling and the truth. In that gap, you can choose to correct yourself and heal your thoughts.
Speaker 1: 20:03
Recognizing and correcting in real time is indefinitely better than letting contempt fester. The more you live in it, the more work you have ahead of you and the more you start believing that connections just can't work for you and the more your mind looks for proof for that belief. Catching it early, getting coaching on it keeps you from building a life on contempt. It keeps you from building an identity with disdain. With that, I pray to allah swt. Ya allah, cleanse my heart of contempt towards others and towards myself, replace any trace of my superiority with sincere connection. Protect my relationships from the whispers of shaitan and protect my own soul from his lies about my worth. Ya Allah, help me keep my thoughts in check so I can see myself and others through the lens of your mercy. Ya Allah, allow me to honor the trust you've placed in me to love, forgive and repair. Ameen, Ya Rabbul Ameen, Please keep me in your duas. I will talk to you guys next time.
