ļ»æSpeaker 1: 0:05
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you. I am a little bit under the weather and have a little bit of congestion going on, so if you feel like my voice is needly, that's why. But I wanted to show up today and give you a lot of value in this podcast regardless. So here I am.
Speaker 1: 0:32
The topic of today's podcast landed in my lap the way most things do through everyday moments that look like they're small and insignificant but overall carry a very deep weight and effect in your life, just if you look at them a little bit closer. I was scrolling through our local masjid's whatsapp group, just minding my own business, as one does, when I came across a message about a new initiative, a fitness challenge. The person who loses the highest percentage of body weight in this competition was to win a cash prize. The highest percentage of body weight in this competition was to win a cash prize. Now let me pause here. My first reaction absolutely ecstatic. Fitness being integrated into a masjid setting alhamdulillah. Spiritual community space for Muslims. That also enhances fitness. It is right up my alley. Alhamdulillah, our imam is very active like that. Yes to community, yes to health and yes to Muslims caring for our bodies that Allah SWT entrusted us with. Overall, I was thrilled that initial dopamine hit of. Alhamdulillah. We're evolving, but if you've been around me for any length of time, you would know that I don't let anything go without questioning what's underneath. I question everything, I poke at the obvious, I lift up the rug of what looks good and see what's swept underneath it, because that's where the real stuff lives. So I sat with this announcement and I let myself go one layer deeper. Yes, it's a health initiative and it's encouraging movement and it's in the right direction. And it's also a competition, something that's rooted in comparison.
Speaker 1: 2:10
Now, I don't want to just point out this as a masjid. Competition being a comparison, I'm going to give you plenty of examples how this is showing up all over in your life and how your educational system sets you up to fail like this. But I gave you this example because that was the exact moment where this thought started rolling in my head. So that word comparison has been circling in my head since then. It wants my attention, it wants me to talk about it. It's been coming up in my personal reflections in my coaching sessions, and if there's one thing I've learned over the years that if something keeps showing up, it's usually someone that I need to pay attention to. It's my subconscious mind's invite to me that something needs to be heard, something needs to be looked closer at, something needs to be brought into light. So today I'm going to be diving into that, how comparison is linked to competition and vice versa, how both of them create joy and motivation and also silently eat away at our sense of self-worth, and how you can grow to tell the difference and to make it healthy for yourself.
Speaker 1: 3:16
Now, a very large part of our brain is literally designed for comparison, not as a moral flaw, not as a sign of weakness, but as biology. Our brains evolved to constantly scan the environment for cues who's in charge, what's the hierarchy, where do I stand? And all of this just so it could figure out am I safe, am I acceptable, do I belong? Is there any imminent threat going on? So comparison was, and still is, a survival strategy. It helped our ancestors avoid rejection, stay in the tribe and detect danger before it struck. So in this context, comparison is primal.
Speaker 1: 3:57
Now fast forward to today. We are no longer being chased by tigers or trying to figure out if we'll be exiled from the campfire for using too much of any resource. But our brains didn't get the memo. Our primal brain still functions at that level, while our prefrontal cortex is trying to help us program all of that out. We are, at a lot of levels, still using the same comparison system, but now it's scanning Instagram. It's measuring your weight, your body type against someone else. Before you even know you're doing it. You're looking at your marriage, your job, your Dora list and mentally comparing it with your cousin, your neighbor, your sister, the person who you look up to. And if you're anything like me, me you are not going to notice that it's even happening, and that's okay.
Speaker 1: 4:47
So now it's time for us to zoom out, to take a little bit of an inventory of your thoughts in a single day. If you do that without any judgment for yourself, you'd be shocked at how many comparison thoughts you're actually having. How much time are you spending comparing? That is a legitimate question, something to be curious about. What are you spending comparing? That is a legitimate question, something to be curious about. What are you comparing your parenting, your productivity, your level of Iman, your bank account, your waistline. I have people that even compare their healing journey to others, because that's how ingrained these thought patterns are. So where I want you guys to create the shift is that I don't want you guys to stop comparing because, like we said, it's going to take a lot of rewiring and most likely it's not going to be useful.
Speaker 1: 5:33
This wiring is not evil. It's not supposed to be suppressed or fixed. It's just that you need to lead it properly. Your primal brain is like a very fast horse. When you compare using your primal brain, you end up in very low quality emotions like fear, jealousy, ineptitude, low self-esteem. But when you use your prefrontal cortex and you can use this comparison language to harness and create a healthy sense of separation, the same horse will take you straight towards your goal. So when you are awake as a rider, intentional, connected to something higher, like your values, like your purpose, like your soulful intelligence, then the same horse is going to take you towards growth. It's going to take you towards achievement. The comparison that in itself is not the enemy. It's a powerful horse that can be taken towards growth or self-destruction.
Speaker 1: 6:34
So, instead of saying I'll never be as fit as her. What if you asked what part of me is drawn to that energy and how can I move towards it with joy instead of shame, instead of asking she's such a better mom? What if you said that I admire her presence, how she aligns with what kind of parent I want to be? I want that to be my story as well, and that's the beauty of the system. Comparison tells you what you might value, and you're not going to get that message if you pretend you never compare, because the truth is you will compare. You are comparing. You're biologically wired to do it.
Speaker 1: 7:11
A huge portion of your nervous system is dedicated to scanning, measuring, evaluating, constantly checking your position in relation to others. So when people say, stop comparing, I get it. I get it that they have a good intention behind it, but I also think it's very unrealistic and highly inefficient for most of us. Yes, it is possible to diminish comparison in your life and quiet that part of your mind, and it does take time, skill development and deep work. And if you try to do it while still operating from your primal brain, you're going to get stuck in fear, lack or jealousy. So in the beginning I would argue that the only effective way to soften these dynamics is figure out where, in these comparisons, your goal lies, by using your prefrontal cortex, the seat of your highest self.
Speaker 1: 8:02
When you're in a state of abundance, when you're grounded in peace, acceptance and gratitude, that's when comparison that otherwise might be impulsive becomes useful. That's when it can be lovingly redirected, because in that state you're not threatened, you're not hijacked by envy or insecurity. You're observing with curiosity, without judgment. When you're comparing by a primal brain, it creates sticky emotions like jealousy, resentment, self-pity, and they cling to the body. These emotions don't allow you to reprogram anything, little less go towards your goals. They trap you and on top of that, most of us feel guilty for having these emotions. So now, not only are you comparing, you're stuck in judgment of yourself. For comparison, change the question from how do I stop comparing to how do I start using this comparison as a guide? Let me tell you how it went wrong.
Speaker 1: 9:01
From an early age, the school system trains you to compare, and it's not a neutral or an observational way of comparison. It's conditioning you to compete. You're not learning math or reading and comprehension. Well, you might be learning all those things, but you're actually being ranked against other people, how you perform compared to the rest. Your test scores are set up so that you can line yourself up against the rest of your class, your school, your district. You're given a number, a grade, a percentile, and all of those numbers become a proxy of your worth, your intelligence, even your potential.
Speaker 1: 9:39
That natural primal instinct to scan and compare, originally designed to help you find belonging and stay safe, now gets molded into something to stay anxious about. You subconsciously learn that your value is relative to someone else's performance. If they win, you must have lost, or the other way around If they're praised, then you must have fallen short. So this wiring of comparison becomes tangled up with scarcity, like if there's only that much recognition and you don't get the top spot, then you somehow failed. And most of us don't stop to question it. But what if you could separate comparison from competition? What if your primal scanning could be reconnected to its original purpose Understanding where you are, what matters to you and how you can grow when you compare yourself to yourself without needing anybody else to lose or win?
Speaker 1: 10:33
This is the type of comparison that is truly healthy, truly growth oriented, the kind where you're measuring yourself against yourself, lovingly who you used to be yesterday and who you're becoming tomorrow. It's a time-based comparison and I know time isn't linear and spiritually, energetically speaking, even neurologically, we know that. But for the sake of this skill and for this specific example, I want you to use time linearly, because this is going to be a milestone in your mental and emotional health development. In your mental and emotional health development, think of yourself as stretched across a timeline. There are you in the past, who was doing the best she could with what she had. There's you as of today, who has more awareness, more capacity, more insight. And there's you in the future, your aspirational self, your expanded self, your Dua's became your reality self.
Speaker 1: 11:32
One of my friend's sister, recently visiting from Qatar, told me that in her kids' school system they don't give out traditional grades, no ABs or rankings. Instead, each child is given a sort of a performance review based only on their own progress. The entire system is built around comparing the student's current performance to their own previous performance and that's it. No measurement against peers, just a straight line of self-growth. And I thought, alhamdulillah, wow, what an amazing concept. And imagine what kind of emotionally resilient, self-secure, intrinsically motivated human beings that would produce. So the next time you catch yourself feeling jealous, guilty for not doing more, for being single for too long, when you're on social media and you get that icky feeling, just ask yourself where in the comparison spectrum am I currently fitting? Which of these are my true values? And, instead of comparing yourself to the other, just compare yourself to where you were on it yesterday and how you plan on improving it from today forward. So if it's about publishing a book that just seems that somebody else has done it so much more and so much better, gently redirect that comparison to your own timeline. Ask yourself, how do I compare to the version of me from last year or even last month, and what do I have to look forward to when it comes to me becoming a published author?
Speaker 1: 13:03
There's a show that comes out every year with a season called Lego Masters, and my kids and I love watching it together. It's one of the few shows that we still genuinely enjoy together. There's no groaning, no walking off in the middle of the episode, no falling asleep. Alhamdulillah. I treasure the time. The show is fun, creative, full of wild imagination, but still a competition. Each week, teams go head-to-head trying to build something better, more dramatic, more technically impressive than the other teams. And while it's somewhat of a family show and there's plenty of support and kindness between the teams, the structure is still inherently about outperforming the other. The goal is to win. But imagine how different the show would be if the teams weren't competing against each other but against themselves, against the version of themselves from last week. What if the challenge was about showing how they improved their design, their creativity, their storytelling, their dedication, their time management, all from the last episode? What if they had to explain what didn't work last time, what their growth plan was and how they followed through or they didn't, and then set a new intention for what their future selves would improve on next time? For the next episode, the whole dynamic of the show would change from proving to improving. The comparison would become internal, reflective and personal, fueling each person's talent and values, creating actual development rather than pressure to outshine. And the same goes for a science competition.
Speaker 1: 14:44
At my kid's school. The idea sounds extremely wholesome and I love that competition. It encourages students to research, build and present something they're proud of. But it's structured like a race. All students are technically quote-unquote together, but they're also competing to be one of the chosen ones to advance to the next level the county level, the regional level, the regional level, the state level. They're encouraged to have team spirit to help one another, but the undercurrent is you have to outperform to win. What if, instead, the entire competition was structured around comparing your project from your own past work? What if the students were judged on how their subject evolved, how their technique improved, how they manage their time, if they're more confident and what they plan to do differently next year? That kind of system would create children that are emotionally mature, resilient and have true self-awareness. Teaching children that growth is more than just stepping over other people and it's more about moving deeper into your own potential, exploring your talents, understanding your strengths and weaknesses, all without judgment.
Speaker 1: 16:00
Competition and comparison they're both an incredible forces when it's directed inwards, not outwards. When you're competing with your past self to grow, to refine, to evolve. When you're competing with your future self to catch up to the version of you that already exists in your du'as and your vision that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has already granted. You just have to go get it. And again, you're not trying to punish yourself for not improving enough. You just have to go get it. And again. You're not trying to punish yourself for not improving enough. You're walking alongside yourself, just like you'd walk alongside your best friend, cheering yourself on holding yourself to a standard that feels honorable, exciting.
Speaker 1: 16:39
An inward comparison like that aligns with your values. It's incredibly powerful. It has the power to bring you clarity of what you want. It helps you identify your unique strengths and stretch them further. It keeps you on the path that feels true to you, instead of constantly pulling you towards whatever happens to be trending. It makes you masterful at checking yourself. Internal comparison leads to authentic excellence because when you compare yourself to others, you try to copy their path, trying to reproduce their success, but when you compare yourself to your own past and future, you're forced to carve your own path. It creates authentic, aligned excellence. This inward focus comparison creates a feedback loop where your unique values and style get sharper. Over time. You become your own unique person.
Speaker 1: 17:33
Inward comparison protects your energy, because competing with others scatters your energy and focus. It pulls your attention outwards towards performance validation what other people think. Inward comparison focuses your energy to be more cleaner and efficient, because you're spending more time building and correcting than comparing outwards. Every minute spent checking someone else's progress is a minute stolen from your own time. Inward competition protects your energy like a filter when you're reframing any kind of failure. It's going to be healthier with internal comparison, because failure with external comparison is going to feel like humiliation when failure in internal comparison becomes data.
Speaker 1: 18:18
What did I do differently this time? Which part of me needs compassion? What can I do differently next time? So comparison and competition are hardwired into your brains. But rather than trying to eliminate all of this, redirect it inwards. When you compete with your past and try to become your best future self, you activate growth. You reclaim a lot of mental and emotional energy. It makes you laser-focused and it goes everywhere, from fitness challenge to science fairs, to Lego masters, to everything big and mundane in your life.
Speaker 1: 18:56
You will reimagine what's possible in your life when the goal isn't to outdo others but to outgrow who you were yesterday. With that, I pray to Allah SWT. To outgrow who you were yesterday, with that, I pray to Allah. O Allah, guide me to compare only with who I was yesterday and who I am becoming tomorrow. Protect my heart from jealousy, my mind from self-judgment and my soul from seeking validation from anybody outside of you. O Allah, let every comparison in my life lead me closer to your recognition. Ameen Ya Rabbul Alameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.
