ļ»æSpeaker 1: 0:05
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Atar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you. Today is super, extra special. I'm recording my podcast number 250. Alhamdulillah, it is so exciting. I can't believe I'm here. Thank you for everyone that supports me out there. Thank you for listening. I know you guys are making a difference in your own lives and, by extension, in other people's, and that is my intention here, inshallah.
Speaker 1: 0:39
Today I want to talk to you about also a very special topic for the special occasion, and that is vulnerability. The dictionary defines vulnerability as quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. Now, that sounds terrifying, if you ask me, because really that's how it's supposed to be. Being vulnerable means you're susceptible to harm. You're literally opening yourself up to be hurt. When we talk about emotional vulnerability, we're talking about acknowledging and engaging with feelings, especially the painful ones, in front of others, instead of hiding them or numbing them. That thought alone might make you want to bail, but you want to stick around because I'm going to tell you a lot of good things here that will make this much easier. I've said it before and I'll say it again Emotions are not a weakness, they're a source of your power.
Speaker 1: 1:35
Emotions drive your actions, and actions are what shape your strengths, your successes, your whole story. So, as women, you've got more emotional range, a wider spectrum, if you will. You feel things deeply, widely and, a lot of times, all at once. This is not a flaw. This is something that gives you an edge. With the right tools and a little bit of practice, you can actually harness all of these emotions and express them in a way that serve you financially, relationally, spiritually. Feelings are profitable if you put them to good use. You just have to know how to work with them, and I'm a long time Brene Brown fan. I've read her books. I engage with her content regularly. She said vulnerability is the birthplace of belonging and joy, but I also have my own spin on things, after integrating her research and years of my coaching, because not all vulnerability is created equal and not all of it creates belonging and joy.
Speaker 1: 2:35
Sometimes being vulnerable ends up in you being hurt, and my goal here is to give you practical steps that apply to you as a Muslim woman, where you can use vulnerability to strengthen your relationships and protect yourself from getting hurt. So being emotionally vulnerable means you're willing to be susceptible to emotional harm or pain. Great, we got. That Makes you human. You feel anger, shame, loneliness, anxiety all of the ugly emotions and rather than avoiding them, you decide to share them with somebody.
Speaker 1: 3:09
Vulnerability, first of all, requires that you allow these emotions to exist. Acknowledge them, because you can't share your difficult emotions if you don't acknowledge them, if you keep burying them. And this is one of the many ways that vulnerability creates healing and belonging, because it asks you to acknowledge what otherwise goes unnoticed. When vulnerability is used wisely, it becomes a superpower in relationships, because it creates trust and intimacy by creating a sense of safety and emotional reliability. Now, according to the SWEET Institute, s-w-e-e-t and research from Berkeley Well-Being Institute, vulnerability helps dissolve trust issues and lays the groundwork for deeper and more meaningful connections. It encourages authenticity when you show up as your unfiltered self. That way, you give others permission to do the same, and that's how real relationships are born. They're not performative where everyone's just pretending to be fine. Vulnerability makes space for emotional support to grow when you can express what you need and other people can do the same with you, and the people who care about you are more likely to meet your needs with empathy instead of confusion or defensiveness. And one of the most powerful reasons that vulnerability works is that it opens the door for smoother conflict resolution. Being honest about your fears and emotions invites compassion into disagreements. Otherwise, you'll be powering through conflict with ego and control. Vulnerability makes space for a type of a resolution after a conflict that strengthens the relationship. So, like I said, vulnerability, when used wisely, is a superpower in relationships. It's like an emotional Wi-Fi in relationships, because when it's present, the connection gets stronger.
Speaker 1: 5:04
So if you've at all bought into the idea of how powerful vulnerability actually is, then why doesn't being vulnerable always work? Why does it sometimes backfire and why do we always have our guard up when we're trying to connect with somebody vulnerably? So these are the difficult questions I'm going to answer in this podcast, because vulnerability only heals when it's mutual, when one person opens up and the other person holds the vulnerability with care. That's a formula. You cannot just keep handing your difficult emotions to someone who's made it clear they don't know how to hold it they have never been trained for it or, worse, someone who has a history of dropping it and doesn't care. Women are emotionally well endowed and socialized to believe that vulnerability is glue that holds a relationship together, and I've given you multiple reasons why that might be true, but it is not always universally true in all relationships. But it is not always universally true in all relationships.
Speaker 1: 6:08
It is not a wise strategy to default to being vulnerable in all of your relationships, regardless of if the other person is able to hold it or not. Vulnerability backfires when we do it at the wrong places at the wrong time with the wrong people. Being vulnerable with the wrong person does not create connection. It creates further damage. It does not build strength. It cracks the foundation, and if you continue to open up in a space that cannot or will not receive you, that's not bravery and that's not going to provide you healing. So, regardless of all of the research of how vulnerability is so important and strengthens relationships, the messaging that does not come across and what we're not taught about vulnerability is how to do it in a smart way.
Speaker 1: 6:54
Vulnerability is dependent on how the other person responds. If you open your heart and person dismisses or judges you, you are going to feel ashamed, hurt and even regret opening up, and that's going to create a further gap in a relationship. That's why you need to be thoughtful about who earns your vulnerability. Not everyone deserves all of your stories. You're not going to hand away the password to your personal diary somebody who's going to throw it in the garbage. Being vulnerable with the wrong person will cause more harm than good. You might think that a confessional moment will bring you closer, but if the other person is not equipped to handle the experience you're handing them, it will backfire. This is why it is recommended to be intentional. Ask yourself do I trust this person? Do they have the capacity to hear me? If the answer is no, save your story for someone else, maybe even a journal therapist or a trusted friend who can offer the empathy you need.
Speaker 1: 7:57
Vulnerability, like anything else, is not something that needs to be avoided at all cost. It's definitely not something that needs to be handed out all the time either. If you've been hurt in the past, rejected or misunderstood, vulnerability is going to be difficult. It's going to feel like exposure, and if you have people around you that are able to receive you, that are able to hold your stories with you with care and safety, then it's your responsibility to heal your nervous system enough to be able to share vulnerably. It is your responsibility in that case to create an internal safety, the container to hold it. So in that case, with a history of disconnection where your body rejects vulnerability, you logically might know all of the benefits of vulnerability and all of Bernays-Brown's work, but your body is not going to be able to create that level of intimacy. So, again, it becomes your responsibility to heal your nervous system, your body and your mind. So I want you guys to start treating your vulnerability as an asset. Just like you're not going to hand your money to somebody who you know is going to waste it, you're not going to hand your vulnerability to somebody who cannot hold it.
Speaker 1: 9:09
The first container of your vulnerability is always yourself, and I've said that in detail in a previous podcast. Be your own container first Meaning you cannot go into a conversation expecting that they will support you. The first person who needs to be able to hold your vulnerability is you. That level of emotional acceptance, turning inwards towards your feeling and allowing them without judgment. That is a level of self-validation that you will need to master. That way you will rely less and less on other people's reactions and when you've mastered that that is the only time I will allow you to be vulnerable with somebody who is not capable of holding it, and this takes practice. That way, if they cannot hold your hurt, at least you are there to hold it. At least that way you can empathize with them, knowing that they didn't have a capacity to give you support that you were looking for. That way, at least, you can make excuses for them. If you're unable to hold your own vulnerability and be your own container and you're always looking at other people to be able to do that, then you are setting yourself up for hurt. Choose the right people. Share your emotions with people who have shown empathy, reliability and respect towards you. You're allowed to test the waters with small disclosures first, if that's what you need.
Speaker 1: 10:35
The core of today's episode is that you only be vulnerable with people who can contain it. It means that not everybody deserves that level of connection with you. If you've been alive long enough on the planet, then chances are that you've already tried being vulnerable with someone. Maybe you opened up about something that was deeply personal, hoping that the other person would offer support, reflect your feelings back to you or just simply hold space without judgment and listen. Instead, they dismissed you, minimized your experience, changed the subject, told you that you were overreacting, or made it about themselves that right, there is your answer that this person is not capable of holding your vulnerability. Maybe it's just a bad moment that they're having, maybe it's their pattern, but all of it is data that is your nervous system going. This isn't safe and you're supposed to listen to it.
Speaker 1: 11:33
You do not owe anyone repeated access to your inner world just because you are in a close relationship with them, or just because you share DNA with them, or just because they're your spouse or your child or your parent. You're not supposed to do any of that just because society says you're supposed to be close. There are other ways to get close. If somebody cannot handle your vulnerability, if they shut it down, mock it or ignore it, that does not mean you need to try harder to be understood. It means they aren't your safe container, at least not yet. I would actually discourage you from continuing to be vulnerable in that relationship. There are going to be times where you're going to be able to build that, but you have to create that strength in yourself first, until you've developed yourself enough that you can hold yourself where you are, you can be your own solid container, your own unshakable support. Until then you cannot teach anybody else to do that for you, no matter how close of a relationship you're in with them how to value your emotions. But if you do decide to teach them, then make sure that you can contain and validate your emotions before you give anybody else that choice.
Speaker 1: 12:50
Some of the qualities you might want to look for. That qualifies people as a safe container before you decide to share. They show signs of emotional maturity. They don't panic when you bring big feelings. They can sit with your discomfort without making it their own, without trying to fix it, without trying to dismiss or deflect it. They have a certain trustworthiness. They don't weaponize your words later as gossip or they don't throw those words at you at a later time. What you say in confidence stays in confidence. They empathize, not just sympathize, meaning they don't pity you but they feel with you. They have consistency in their actions. They've shown up before and they'll show up again. There's no guesswork in how they're going to be reacting today or versus tomorrow. They have a vibe of non-judgment about them. They have the capacity to genuinely care and if somebody is lacking these qualities, then it might just be that they don't have the emotional bandwidth.
Speaker 1: 13:53
They don't have the tools it takes to carry somebody else's vulnerability, not because they don't want to connect with you, not because they mean harm to you although that might be true as well but most of the people that we're trying to connect vulnerably with just haven't been trained to do so. They may have grown up in households where feelings were a liability. They were never given language around their emotions, where any kind of emotional expression meant weakness and asking for help meant threat to their survival. So when you show up with your softness and your rawness, they literally don't know what to do with it, because they've never seen it before. No one modeled it for them, no one taught them how to walk through emotional complexity, no one told them it's okay not to be okay. So they never developed that muscle, not because they didn't want it, but because they never had a safe place to build it.
Speaker 1: 14:48
So they can be carrying their own trauma that is unprocessed, and when they see your vulnerability, it pokes at their own pain because they don't know how to handle it. It reminds them of what they haven't sorted it out themselves and they end up hurting you just to protect themselves. A lot of times in these cases, their nervous system is maxed out as well. They're constantly living in survival mode, and if you become emotionally present with them and transparent to them, it's going to feel like that's one more thing that they have to carry and they're going to disengage and disappoint. And the real honest truth is they might not even know that they're doing this. Building emotional capacity is a skill and a privilege. Not everyone received that privilege, and if you're not in a position, then it is not your responsibility to teach them. There are a lot of other ways to connect in a relationship.
Speaker 1: 15:42
So what I'm trying to say here is, when someone can't meet you at the level of vulnerability you're offering, it does not automatically mean that they're toxic or out to hurt you, or cold or heartless Although it can mean all of those things but most of the time it just means that they're not the one to go deep with you. You can love them, they can love you. You can honor each other with whatever they can or cannot give you, but you do not have to keep handing them your vulnerability, hoping that they'll magically know how to hold it one day. Protect your vulnerability like it is your asset. It is a valuable emotional asset. Just like you wouldn't hand your debit card to a stranger, just like you wouldn't hand over your health problems to a non-expert, you're not going to hand over emotional openness to somebody that does not know how to handle it, somebody who does not have that level of discernment.
Speaker 1: 16:39
Vulnerability is a currency. When spent wisely, it absolutely builds intimacy, deepens connection and opens doors to healing conversations, especially in conflicts. But when spent recklessly, shared with people who haven't earned your trust, who repeatedly dismiss or misuse your feelings, it becomes very costly and it erodes the same relationships it's supposed to strengthen. Just like you have budget your finances, you don't walk into every store throwing cash at things that won't serve you. Same way you're not going to be giving vulnerability to everyone that can't serve it. Not everyone in your life gets access or deserves access to you at that level. You do not owe that to anyone.
Speaker 1: 17:25
Proximity does not mean permission. Their capacity means permission. Before you share, just ask yourself is this person emotionally safe? Have they shown me that they can hold this? And, more importantly, do I trust myself to hold whatever response comes back? Because when you treat your vulnerability as valuable, others are more likely to treat it that way too. Before you try anyone else to become witness to your truth, you have to learn to sit with it.
Speaker 1: 17:57
When you are not yet resourced enough to do that, when your nervous system is still untrained in holding big feelings with compassion, you will naturally hand that job to someone else. You're going to make it their responsibility to comfort you, to validate you, to make you feel safe. But a lot of people around you might never have been taught to do that. They were never given tools to hold their own emotions, let alone yours. So when they drop your emotions, when they change the subject, shut down, get uncomfortable or become defensive, and you get hurt. In the result, it's natural for you to think that something's wrong with the relationship. But that's not necessarily true. It's not necessarily brokenness. It's capacity. You're offering them something sacred. You're offering them a valuable asset and they're simply not equipped to receive it, and that's okay. This is why your internal containment matters. When you know how to hold your own emotional experience without shame, without urgency, without the need for somebody else's permission or for somebody else to fix it, you stop making it other people's job. You give them the opportunity to support you rather than rescue you.
Speaker 1: 19:10
The real trap is when we seek validation through vulnerability, and this is the biggest misuse of this gift. When vulnerability becomes a tool to be seen, praised, reassured or feel chosen, you're not connecting. That's a level of performance. You're outsourcing your worth to somebody else's reaction, and that's a dangerous place to be. So the shift you're going to make is be vulnerable from a place of wholeness, and when you anchor in your truth first, you stop getting knocked over by other people's inability to meet you there.
Speaker 1: 19:44
And while we are socialized to think that not being able to be vulnerable is detachment, it's not. It's a level of maturity. It's protection, it's power. It's you giving the power to the relationship the way it belongs. It's you practicing vigilance and stewardship. With that, I pray to Allah SWT. Ya Allah, help me treat my vulnerability with care. Let me recognize it as something valuable, not something I need to hide or give away carelessly. Guide me to share it only where there is safety. Ya Allah, provide me safety in my relationship. Protect me from using my vulnerability to seek validation. Instead, let it be a path to connection, and especially connection and closeness to you. Ya Rabb, ya Allah, place people in my life who know how to listen with gentleness and help me remember that I can never be alone when I share vulnerably with you. Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, please keep me in your duas. I will talk to you guys next time.
