ļ»æSpeaker 1: 0:05
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1: 0:19
Today we're going to be talking about a rather surprising topic, or at least it's an old topic, but I'm going to be talking about it in a rather surprising way. Or at least it's an old topic, but I'm going to be talking about it in a rather surprising way, something that you might not have heard before and that has to do with reclaiming your ego. When I say ego, I'm not talking about becoming arrogant or selfish. In Islamic spirituality tradition, the word nafs is what's used as ego, but it refers to very many different states of the self. I'm going to talk about the three most common ones that are mentioned. One is the commanding self, the nafs al-ammara, which urges you towards sin and asks you to indulge in your desires. Then there's the reproaching self, the nafs al-lawwama, that swings between mistakes and regret and asks you to correct yourself. And then there's the tranquil self, nafs al-mutma'inna, a state of peace and contentment. So when I'm inviting you to reclaim your ego, I'm asking you to create the tranquil and anchored sense of self. I'm going to be unpacking a lot of ideas, so I decided to make two podcast episodes out of this topic, because I think reclaiming your ego is absolutely critical for mental health for Muslim women, and I'm going to be offering you a lot of practical steps. By the end of these episodes, inshallah, you will see that reclaiming your ego does not mean that you're a bad Muslim woman, bad wife, selfish daughter. It makes you aware of your worth and through that, it anchors you in your faith, inshallah. So while I've described to you the most commonly defined modes of the nafs or the ego, we're going to be concentrating on nafs al-muttam'inna, the tranquil soul, and in this case the word soul can be used interchangeably as ego, when in other senses it might not stand for the same meaning. So one of my friends, dr Jennifer Clark she's a brilliant clinician with many modes and diverse forms of training behind her. I recently finished my psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy training with her.
Speaker 1: 2:18
She once said something that really resonated with me. She said ego is a tool that you can pick up and put down. So, in other words, it's not a curse, it's not a flaw, it's just a tool for you to use, and this sentence shifted something very deep in me, which is what prompted me to make these podcasts. For a very long time, you might have been told to treat your sense of self like it's some sort of monster to slay, or even a badge to wear for your recognition. And because of all of that programming, I always thought that I either had to kill it to be spiritual or cling to it just if I want to reclaim any sort of power or success. But in this case, if it is a tool, it gave me permission to approach it with both reverence and responsibility. It's like a blade in your kitchen that's capable of slicing a fruit or slicing your finger. It's not the tool that's dangerous, it's how you use it, and for many Muslim women, that sense of healthy reclamation of this tool is lacking. So I personally started treating my ego as a Swiss arming knife. I pull it out when I need to speak the hard truth, when a boundary needs to be held, and I use it to say no, it's not like that, without flinching, without apologizing, using my voice, and I put it all away when I enter prayer, when I'm listening with openness, when I'm connecting with my loved ones, when my heart needs to be emptied before Allah.
Speaker 1: 3:41
That's the difference between ego stewardship and ego suppression. Suppression is what mostly women are taught. This practice of ego stewardship is going to start changing your life in very subtle but powerful ways. When you walk in a room where you think people might underestimate you, it might be your reason to turn the dial up, not to prove anything, but just to stay present and grounded in your skills and your talent. This is ego used with precision. When someone tries to guilt you into silence, saying that's not what a good Muslim wife or woman would do, then don't flinch, don't argue, don't justify. If you have a sense of healthy ego, it will hold the line like a doormat. It will say that belief is not welcome here. You can carry that belief, but that's not for me to adopt.
Speaker 1: 4:31
And when you're into Jude, when you are with your creator, you drop the tool entirely. You don't need any kind of performance. There's nothing to defend in that moment. And this is your talent of making your ego quiet. Not crushing it, not demonizing it, just releasing it. Because when you trust yourself to pick it up again when the moment calls crushing it, not demonizing it, just releasing it. Because when you trust yourself to pick it up again when the moment calls for it. It'll be easy for you to let it go, and this is the kind of ego work that I really want to talk to you about, especially for Muslim women.
Speaker 1: 5:01
You're told since childhood to leave your ego, but you're never taught to build one in the first place. And I'm here to say that you're not only allowed to have it, you're allowed to build a healthy sense of it, not to dominate others, but just to discern the truth for yourself, not to inflate yourself, but to anchor your self-worth. So why I think this became a very common message is because diminishing the ego is promoted as the solution for men's mental health struggles. Because think of the messaging around anger management, around controlling and dominant behavior, around learning to surrender. In this framing, ego is seen as the root cause of toxic masculinity. So the solution naturally becomes to shrink the ego, detach from that status, be more emotionally expressive, become less controlling. This makes sense in many male contexts, because ego has historically been weaponized to assert dominance over others, especially dominance over women, other weaker men or children.
Speaker 1: 6:02
But when you apply the same ego-diminishing approach to women like a blanket statement, it backfires. That's because women, especially Muslim women, are already socialized to erase themselves, not to take up space, to doubt their needs and instincts, and equate humility with worthiness, when we know that worthiness is not earned, it's always intact. If a woman is already conditioned all her life to put others first, then telling her to diminish her ego even more is going to be extremely detrimental. So, for example, when a Muslim man struggles with rage or arrogance at home, diminishing his ego is going to be about learning to listen. Listen to his wife, give regard to other people's voice without feeling attacked, to stop defending his pride at the expense of connection. That's what ego diminishing does. But when a Muslim woman struggles with voicelessness, over-functioning, hyper-responsibility, people-pleasing, the solution is not to surrender the ego even more, it's to reclaim it.
Speaker 1: 7:10
You're going to need to strengthen your ego, to say no without guilt, to honor your desires, to speak up in a room where you're the only Muslim professional. That is what healthy ego is about Picking up the tool and using it when you need it. This is the ego that anchors you in your sense of dignity and agency and lets you trust your perspective. It's the spine of your soul. Without it, you collapse into martyrdom, constant resentment and invisible emotional labor. So no, I'm never going to say that ego is always the problem For women.
Speaker 1: 7:44
A lot of times, the lack of ego is the very thing that's causing the problem, and the real healing means that you're going to be discerning between the two the moment where you need to dissolve your ego and the moment where you need to develop it. Islam does not ask you to ignore your desires. It asks you to channel them in a way that honors the limits and the mercy of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Ignoring them, suppressing them, pretending that they don't exist. That's going to breed resentment and disconnection, and that's exactly shaitan's trick. And, above all, it's going to disconnect you from yourself, from your heart, from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. The thought is that when you reclaim your ego, you're not being selfish, you're anchoring yourself, you're making sure that you're not giving from a hollow cup. But many of you are still under the impression that, because diminishing the ego is a common prescription for men's mental health struggles, it must also be the solution for women's. It's not.
Speaker 1: 8:43
What gets labeled as ego in women is just confidence, or boundaries, or refusing to over function. When you stand up for these values, you're told she's gotten too full of herself. What that usually means is she's no longer willing to overextend, she's no longer willing to accept less than what she deserves. So when people judge your healthy ego reclamation, that's because they're operating from a narrow lens. You're going to let them. Let them misunderstand you, let them say what they want. Their judgment has no bearing on your integrity or your intention. Your intentions are for you to set and they're completely under your control. You do not owe them any explanation and you don't need to defend yourself.
Speaker 1: 9:26
This process of healthy ego reclamation is a slow, steady returning to yourself, and it might look like rebellion to others, who are used to you being always silent, but it's not a rebellion, it's stewardship. It's honoring the amanah of your dignity, the safeguarding of the soul that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala fashioned, that you're trying to accomplish excellence through. And you cannot accomplish that excellence, that ihsan, if you're completely erasing that sense of self. And of course, a part of that stewardship is keeping your ego in check. But self-confidence is not the same as arrogance. Your true self-worth is anchored in gratitude, consciousness of Allah, and that's what keeps you grounded and that discernment is what's going to keep your self-respect from sliding into self-righteousness.
Speaker 1: 10:18
So start with small acts of self-respect. There's no need for grand declarations or public arguments or announcements. Just start with subtle shifts in how you see yourself, how you speak to yourself, how you show up, when you start to reclaim your sense of ego, you become the opposite of the shallow Muslimah that other people might be claiming you to be, and this is how you start to honor your creator by honoring yourself. Yes, like I've said before, the fear of arrogance, entitlement, vanity, they're all real and valid, and Islam warns you about this. Kibber is the pride that makes you look down on others. It warns you against boasting about yourself, about seeking praise and status. These are all spiritual poisons and I'm not talking about completely ignoring them.
Speaker 1: 11:04
But when you take that fear too far, when you're afraid of becoming arrogant, that you even kill off your healthy ego, that's when you'll end up in the state of total ego dissolution. And I've seen it way too often in my coaching program Not being able to speak up in a meeting, constantly saying silent in face of injustice, afraid of being labeled difficult. A mother who's constantly exhausted but doesn't ask for help because she doesn't want to seem as entitled. And a woman who gives, gives and gives and then feels shame for having any humanly needs. You can voluntarily relinquish your rights for the sake of Allah SWT and in fact there is an immense reward in that when it comes from a place of strength and choice, like being in service of your family until you're bone tired. But that has to come from a sense of healthy ego that you're choosing and willingly doing this, because only then you're going to be able to stop when you're overextending yourself and not feel like you're disposable.
Speaker 1: 12:03
And yes, submission is Islam, is about erasing yourself, but only in front of Allah. That is the sacred erasure that is not meant for anything and anyone else. You are not asked to dissolve your identity for your husband or your in-laws or your boss or your kids. That level of surrender is reserved only for Allah alone. Everywhere else in your life, your task might actually be opposite to pick up this ego or maybe just to discern, to choose when to pick up your ego and when to lay it down and use it like a well-calibrated tool.
Speaker 1: 12:39
The key word here is willingly picking it up and putting it down, because when you do it willingly, it becomes a spiritual act. Putting it down Because when you do it willingly, it becomes a spiritual act. When you do it out of social conditioning, it leads to drastic self-abandonment, and that's what most women's mental health is struggling with, and this is what I usually coach on. This act of healthy ego reclamation becomes worship, because you are allowing yourself to know that you have dignity and that is an amana, and you're carrying it with care. So while submission is a kind of erasure, it also has a direction and a space. There is a choice behind it. When you are eyeballs deep in people pleasing, overextending, hyper-performing or not being able to perform at all, all the while not having any financial independence, any true connections in your relationship, it's time for you to course correct and reclaim some of that healthy ego.
Speaker 1: 13:36
Shaitan loves when you confuse humility with ongoing humiliation. He loves it when you silence yourself and call it sabr, when you forget your likes and dislikes and call it modesty, when you tolerate disrespect and you call it taking the high road. Shaytan loves to strip you of your God-given dignity while convincing you that it's piety Until eventually it becomes harder and harder, or even impossible, to tell the difference between being humble before Allah and being humiliated by people. But Allah does not ask for that humiliation. He asks for your submission only to him. And that means lowering your voice when it matters and raising it when the time is right, and having the wisdom of knowing the difference between the two.
Speaker 1: 14:21
This healthy ego reclamation that I'm talking about it is not optional is absolutely necessary for today's Muslim woman, because that woman who is grounded in her values through this healthy ego, she is very difficult to mistreat. I mean, the world can try and it will try, but mistreatment just doesn't land the same way for her. If you're that woman anchored into your healthy ego, the world cannot convince you that you are the problem. You might look at your mistakes and be willing to correct them when you put your ego down, but when you don't completely demolish your sense of self, when your healthy ego is intact, you don't absorb every sideways comment, every guilt trip, every attempt to shame you. You will feel it, you will discern it, you will be able to deal with it in a healthy way, but you will not internalize it.
Speaker 1: 15:10
And this is why I say that the dominant language around ego, about crushing it, controlling it, suppressing it, is deeply masculine. That approach was built for a different kind of struggle altogether. Only men have mostly historically been taught to lead, dominate and exert power. So, yes, their spiritual growth requires ego dismantling, but that's not true for women. You've been conditioned, generation after generation, to erase yourself, to keep yourself small, to serve without question, to swallow your needs until you start to equate your silence with strength and burn out with barakah. To swallow your needs until you start to equate your silence with strength and burnout with barakah. So when you apply that same size fits all spiritual teaching that fighting the ego will fix your problems, the woman who's only been trained to betray herself is not going to heal, it's going to damage her even more.
Speaker 1: 16:04
And if I haven't made this clear enough, I'm going to make it clear again when I talk about ego clear enough, I'm going to make it clear again when I talk about ego reclamation, I'm not talking about Hawa, the base desires or the primal impulses that Islam teaches you against, and it asks you to regulate them through obedience to Allah. And I hope I've given enough examples. If not, I'm going to continue to talk about this more. So this concept is very clear in your mind. The ego I'm talking about is your core identity, your personhood as it relates to your relationship with Allah, the identity that constantly relates to Allah in all of its actions and affairs. Humility is when you lower your wings out of compassion. Humiliation is when you let people walk on them, and wisdom is when you know your wings out of compassion. Humiliation is when you let people walk on them, and wisdom is when you know the difference between the two. That's what you're going to get used to when you use ego as a tool, as it's supposed to be.
Speaker 1: 16:58
Your sense of self, separation, identity, the I or whatever it is that you call it in the modern language. This is what needs to be protected as a Muslim woman for you to align yourself with divine love. Otherwise, you'll be walking around convinced that you don't deserve that love. So, yes, you absolutely have to reclaim your sense of self as a Muslim woman. That is your channel to mental health, and in the next episode we're going to talk about how to reclaim your healthy ego.
Speaker 1: 17:27
With that, I pray to Allah SWT. Ya Allah, grant me a sense of self that is steady and sincere. Help me create a healthy sense of self. Help me carry my voice with grace and my boundaries with wisdom. Let my presence reflect the dignity that you placed in me. Wisdom. Let my presence reflect the dignity that you placed in me. Help me anchor my heart in you so that I no longer seek validation from the places that cannot give it to me. Guide me to use my ego as a tool for truth, protection and spirituality. Let every step I take be guided by your light. Ameen, ya Rabbul, ameen, please keep me in your duas. I will talk to you guys next time.
