Speaker 1: 0:05
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Atar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you. Today we're going to continue to talk about defiance, how I define it, and this is going to be the extension of the first part.
Speaker 1: 0:26
What happens when a child raised with unquestioned obedience becomes an adult? In coaching, a few common patterns emerge when I see this among Muslim women, there's this chronic sense of anxiety and conflict. Something as simple as a disagreement or feedback can have the potential to have your heart racing, palms sweating, having never learned to navigate conflict because you never learned healthy defiance. Every time someone like that experiences confrontation or maybe just a corrective feedback, it feels like a dire threat to the body because it echoes the childhood unsafety of if I speak up, then I'm not going to belong in this family anymore. Also, I see a lot of over-explanation and people-pleasing, compulsively over-explaining the actions at the slightest sign of disapproval. All of this comes from a defense mechanism that you learned in childhood as a way to avoid punishment, as a way to avoid disappointing others. And if in adulthood, this habit persists, even when it's not needed, because your brain still believes over-explaining means safety. Then it's time for you to interrupt these habits and start to interpret these neutral situations as non-threatening. You might also see yourself constantly apologizing, giving far too many details justifying your small choices. Then I also see a fawning response, which is the flip side of fight or flight. In this response, women immediately try to appease or placate the situation and the person, just to avoid conflict. And again, this comes from a lifetime of enforced obedience which primes many women to slip into this mode.
Speaker 1: 2:11
And surprisingly, a lot of other women swing into the other extreme, suppressed feelings leading to outbursts of irritability and constant defensiveness. If someone questions you and you react with a rushed defensive tone or you collapse in tears, then it's all because internally it's feeling like an attack on your worth, when, just as a reminder, I'm going to tell you again that your worth has nothing to do with how people treat you. Recently, one sister in a coaching session reflected on a dynamic to me, telling me that everything that she got coached on connected her back to her childhood conditioning Saying things like when I was younger if I was attacked I was not allowed to say anything and I just had to accept it, and it's not unique to her. Every child is in that situation. So when now, every unexplained feeling of overwhelm and anxiety at a slightest form of criticism feels like an injustice to her even in everyday scenarios, because she was never allowed to practice healthy defiance as a child, so her adult mind still equates any confrontation with being powerless.
Speaker 1: 3:16
Your professional workplace or your family situations become a surprising mirror of your past. If you're in a team meeting and your supervisor points out a mistake, she says I noticed a few figures here and there were wrong. Please double check, even if there was no harsh tone. But you immediately feel a sense of dysregulation in your body. You feel a wave of heat or feeling of your stomach dropping. You might notice your inner dialogue. She's correcting me in front of others. They must think I'm incompetent. I should explain that it wasn't my fault. The data source was flawed, I was so careful.
Speaker 1: 3:51
In reality, what your boss says is a neutral comment, maybe helpful, maybe a feedback or maybe even criticism. But if your mind and body perceives this as an attack, then that's what it becomes, and a lot of times this is a classic trauma response. Why I want to highlight this and why it's important is because it's all about perspective. Someone without that background might hear the same exact critique and think, whoops, I'll fix that, no big deal. But those of us carrying obedience conditioning, we later catastrophize events like this, and you can very commonly see that if you ever feel dysregulated with the public, correction or disagreement Because this childhood obedience comes with a mandate never make anybody look bad, and a lot of times women avoid any opportunity to speak up personally or professionally, and that leads to so many missed opportunities. What I want you guys to notice is that these responses of anxiety, over-explaining defensiveness, they're not signs of weakness or lack of faith. They're signs of deep emotional conditioning. So this is my strong invite for you to start creating healthy defiance in your life. It does not mean that you start snapping at everyone or you refuse all sorts of feedback or criticism, but it does mean to learn the balance that was missing in your childhood by neither being a pushover nor a person who overreacts to every provocation. So I'm going to give you guys a lot of language to separate unhealthy reactivity from healthy boundary setting defiance reactivity from healthy boundary setting defiance Unhealthy reactivity is driven by primal emotions of fear.
Speaker 1: 5:30
It's when your responses are knee-jerked, coming from a place of hurt. This could look like exploding at someone, yelling, trading insults, or it could look like withdrawing completely and stewing in resentment, kind of like the inner child, either throwing a tantrum or hiding in a corner. If you want to reply to a work critique with an email, that is a five paragraph long email that is snappy and defensive in its explanation, it's probably reactive. Or if you're silently allowing someone to cross your limits time and time again and of course that's followed by berating yourself later, that is also a form of unhealthy coping. In both forms you don't truly feel better after that reaction. The over-aggression might lead to guilt or even newer conflicts, and the silent swallowing leads to stress and self-loathing. Healthy defiance is a middle path. Through all of this clothing, healthy defiance is a middle path through all of this.
Speaker 1: 6:25
Healthy defiance is rooted in self-respect. This is where you come from knowledge of your feelings and acknowledge them and decide on a response that protects your dignity and maintains respect for others. Now notice I did not say that others will feel respected. What I'm saying is that you maintain respect for others. How others perceive you has nothing to do with your actions. This is the middle path that Islam talks about.
Speaker 1: 6:49
Healthy defiance might look like that. You speak up when something's not okay or you confidently say no at an unreasonable request. It will always be characterized by a sense of an inner firmness within you, without rage, without reactivity. So if you have a toxic workplace culture where everyone is throwing everyone else under the bus in meetings, you can say I prefer one-to-one feedback. I can understand the critique, but I don't want to be embarrassed in front of others. Say everything evenly, without intent of malice. That is going to be a defiant move for you If you're used to silence or escape.
Speaker 1: 7:27
Healthy defiance is standing up for yourself with respect and it simply also means not Internalizing every remark, negative or positive. It's the ability to think and separate yourself from your circumstance. Her tone was rude, but that's on her. I know my work ethic and her comment doesn't define me. Healthy defiance is based on confidence. This is where you refuse to absorb anybody else's negativity. I always tell you guys to think of healthy boundaries as a protective fence. This is around you physically and around your soul spiritually. This is not a wall that blocks everyone out and it does not make you a doormat that everyone walks on. Our tradition teaches us speak kindly to others Quran, surah 2, ayah 83. And it also says argue in a way that is best. Quran, surah 16, ayah 125. This is the ideal calm assertiveness grounded in your values.
Speaker 1: 8:24
For someone who is healing from childhood over obedience, learning healthy defiance might feel like exercising your unused muscles. It will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. You might worry am I being a bad Muslim by disagreeing, or what if they get angry at me? Am I being a bad Muslim by disagreeing, or what if they get angry at me? This is where coaching will help. This is where spiritual reframing comes in. Remember that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, comes before pleasing people. If you stand up for your truth or protect yourself from injustice, even a small injustice like an unfair criticism, you're not disobeying Allah. You may actually be honoring the trust that Allah SWT has given you. Your amanah of yourself, your voice, your well-being, your dignity are a part of that trust. So the big question is how do you rewire that reaction that goes from panic to empowerment, that creates healthy defiance? How do you get from a lifetime of automatic obedience or fear-based reactions to a healthier, balanced response? And this is where coaching, therapy or conscious self-work comes in. It is possible to rewire those reactions, but it takes intentional practice.
Speaker 1: 9:33
I'm going to give you some of these approaches that I use in my coaching Increase self-awareness, which is mindfulness of your mind, which are your thoughts and the language and your body. These are the sensations and the emotions that your body is experiencing. The first thing as a coach that I help you do is help notice your reaction patterns, and you do that by noticing your mind and your body. What happens in your body when there's a trigger? Maybe it's responses of your chest tightness or throat tightness or voice shaking. What thoughts are automatically popping up? I'm being attacked. This is so unfair. Why does she always have to do this In the coaching session as a coach, we literally pause and expand that moment of time.
Speaker 1: 10:16
We create conversation and awareness around it. Of time, we create conversation and awareness around it. This level of mindfulness is absolutely critical. The more you notice all of these thought storms and physical anxiety, the more you can gently step outside of it. You're observing the reacting self rather than being the reacting self, and this is extremely healing. Then you can challenge that inner narrative.
Speaker 1: 10:40
Once you have identified this thought, I'm in trouble. She hates me. Why do I always mess up? Question is is it definitely true or could there be another explanation? We gently fact check on your own thoughts. My boss pointed out an error. Does that truly mean that I'm a failure or I don't know anything? Is it possible that she's just doing her job? We constantly remind you that the current circumstance is neutral and your interpretation is what causes any emotional avalanche that you might be experiencing. This is where you start to regain your power.
Speaker 1: 11:15
This does not mean that you're denying your feelings. It does not mean that you change your thoughts quickly. It just means that you acknowledge that your mind is amplifying the threat. It also does not mean that it's wrong in doing that. It just means that we might want to heal from the mind always amplifying the threat. Your feelings are valid, but they're not facts. But also don't judge yourself harshly without any evidence. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt just as easily as you give others.
Speaker 1: 11:44
Reframing through faith is an important aspect in all of this Reminding yourself of Allah's view of you versus a critic's view. A criticism from a person is not a decree of your worth. Allah knows your intentions, especially if you work hard to purify and elevate your worth. Allah knows your intentions, especially if you work hard to purify and elevate your intentions. He knows what goes behind your efforts and your struggles. Another human being cannot judge that. If your conscience is clear, you can remind yourself I did my best and Allah is my witness. I don't need to fear this person's displeasure. And if there was a mistake on your part, islam teaches that these mistakes are opportunities for you to learn and seek forgiveness. They're not supposed to be a source of eternal shame. This kind of tawakkul trust in Allah SWT and positive self-talk go hand in hand, and this is what's going to gradually soothe that inner child who's scared of authority or who's never practiced any healthy defiance. All of these trials are purifying for you.
Speaker 1: 12:48
Allah SWT is allowing these challenges to help you grow out of your fear and always start with practicing small acts of whatever you want to accomplish, in this case, small acts of healthy defiance. Just like building a muscle, you start small. As a coach, I'll encourage you to take gradual steps and I'll show you where and when that needs to be implemented. This could mean expressing a preference where you would otherwise normally stay quiet, like telling a friend actually I'd rather go to a different restaurant I'm not a fan of that cuisine this practice of small acts of healthy defiance. It could mean no to a minor request that you don't have the bandwidth for. So each time you assert a boundary or give an opinion, just notice what happens, where you'll start to notice that the world doesn't implode with your actions. In fact, people usually respect those who can politely assert themselves, and if they don't, that's more about them than you. By gathering these little experiences, your mind will start to collect evidence that you can do this.
Speaker 1: 13:53
You can assert healthy boundaries and follow through. You can create patterns of healthy defiance in your life. You start to prove to your nervous system that healthy defiance is safe, and this is an absolutely necessary step. What I've noticed in my coaching practice is setting boundaries is not as difficult as following through with them. Meaning, if a family member has a habit of belittling you and you've always just stayed quiet, a healthy defiance step would be to address it. When you say such and such, it is very disrespectful. I would appreciate it if you don't joke like that again and then holding that line.
Speaker 1: 14:29
Creating the boundary and following through those are the two necessary steps and ultimately, ultimately reclaiming your narrative and your story, reclaiming your sense of self, meaning you become really sure about how you see yourself, what are your values, what are your priorities. A healthy sense of self for a Muslim woman is a humble knowing coming from the confidence that Allah SWT created you with worth. Coming from the confidence that Allah SWT created you with worth. By reclaiming healthy defiance, you start to discover who you are and what you stand for. This is a healthy reclamation of your ego. It can be just as simple as realizing. I always went along with everyone when they wanted to eat ice cream, when I actually wanted hot cocoa. And I'm giving you trivial examples because I want your nervous system to feel safe.
Speaker 1: 15:15
While you're starting to spend more time on this, start to permit yourself to exist authentically, and throughout this journey, slip-ups will happen. You might try to speak up and your voice shakes, or you cry, or you might overdo it and yell, and that's okay. It's all a part of learning, as long as you're aware and conscientious about it and you ask for guidance and forgiveness constantly. In these cases, self-compassion is going to go a long way and it is absolutely key here. Treat yourself with mercy and celebrate all of your efforts as progress.
Speaker 1: 15:50
With that I pray to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. O Allah, the source of justice and truth, make my heart firm when I stand in what is right, free me from the fear of people's opinions and fill me only with your approval. Instead, ya Allah, teach me the difference between silence and wisdom. Return the voice to me that you have created in me. Make it clear, calm, confident and respectful. O Allah, let my boundaries be a form of worship and my strength a reflection of my tawakkul. Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.
