Ethical Confidence: Success without Arrogance
Episode: 123
Transcript
Speaker 1: 0:05
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognisably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal ujub. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1: 0:19
Today we will be talking about how to create confidence without pride or arrogance, or what is otherwise known as kibr in Islam. So I'm going to be using arrogance and pride interchangeably, but the definition I mean has to do with the state of kibr, where you consider yourself to be better than others. There's a lot of emphasis in our religion about purity of our heart and not to have pride. Be the force behind our actions. In one hadith, prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam says None shall enter fire of hell who has in his heart weight of a mustard seed of iman, and none shall enter paradise who has in his heart the weight of a mustard seed of pride. It's a sahih hadith reported in muslim. So I define confidence without this pride or arrogance. I define it as ethical confidence. Confidence is a very gracious emotion, since every emotion is a set of sensations. Confidence feels open, energizing, uplifting, and it's extremely effective as a fuel for our actions. So, for muslim women, there are two things that get in the way of ethical confidence. One is self pride, known as ujub, and the other one is arrogance, known as kibr. Now I will talk about ujub later in the podcast. So if you choose to create ethical confidence in your professional life, the effects of it will spill over into the rest of the areas of your life. You will be able to create a better self image, you will be able to really tap into your individuality and your skills and your strengths, your relationships will improve, your parenting will improve. Your spirituality will improve. So how is it that, as a muslim woman, you can create ethical confidence, confidence without a speck of pride? To be able to do that, for starters, we have to move away from the fear of arrogance. We have to move away from the fear, but not have to move away from actual arrogance. There's a huge difference between the two. If you're afraid of pride and arrogance, you'll find yourself in it, but if you avoid arrogance without its fear, then you can cleanly stay away from it. So what does that actually look like?
Speaker 1: 2:34
There was a time when I remember, as a child, i was walking with my dad towards a grocery store, and I must have been 8 or 9, and I remember telling him that I feel good about getting a good grade on a recent test in school And he said that's good, as long as you're not feeling pride because of it. And I remember asking him what do you mean Like? what's the difference in what I was feeling and what he was warning me against? What I was feeling actually felt good, and I didn't know if that was pride or arrogance. And I do remember him trying to explain it to me, but it didn't make any sense And I don't know if it was because of the way he explained it or because I had limited capacity to understand it at 9 years of age, but honestly, i simply did not understand it, and I didn't understand it until I was in my 30s. So here I am trying to do my 9 year old self a favor And clearing out the misconceptions.
Speaker 1: 3:29
Every conscientious parent tries to instill good Islamic values in their children. Even if your parent didn't directly make you afraid of arrogance, the societal messaging at large is usually that be afraid of kibir And fear becomes the main avoidance tactic. Be afraid of arrogance. The fear of arrogance is drilled deep in our psyche right from childhood. But the problem with this approach is that our subconscious mind cannot work with negatives. An example I always give is if I say don't think of a pink elephant, then you're bound to think of a pink elephant in the room. The only way not to think about a pink elephant is if you think about a white bear. So our conscious mind cannot take instructions in the negative because our brains think linearly. So if you've been fed fear of pride all of your life and you continue to repeat to yourself I don't want to come off as arrogant, i don't want to come off as boastful, the mind doesn't know how to deal with the negative instruction. So you either come off as arrogant or you'll be too afraid to be arrogant and not take any action at all. And this crossroads is exactly where I find most of my Muslim women living. They are so paralyzed by the fear of arrogance that they can't tap even into a fraction of their confidence. So you might have degrees, skills, experience, but the fear of arrogance will keep you stagnant. Or you might not even have a high school diploma and the fear of arrogance will affect you the same. What's the solution Then? I'm glad you asked What you have to do is, instead of being afraid of arrogance, you have to redirect your mind to concentrate on confidence, just like if I bark in order to avoid thinking about a pink elephant.
Speaker 1: 5:18
In order for you to do that, you have to direct your mind to think of a white bear. Since our subconscious mind cannot take a negative as an instruction, we give it a positive instruction in a different direction. You practicing your confidence is not the same as arrogance. Just like me, proud of my good grade on the test after my hard work and telling my dad about it was not arrogance, it was about my confidence. It felt very open, inviting and it felt very good in my body. So you might find feelings of confidence in your body. You might find feeling good about yourself through confidence.
Speaker 1: 5:56
When you purify your intentions, you direct your mind from the pink elephant to the white bear. You direct your mind from the fear of arrogance to the thoughts that create confidence. Let's say you're able to do that and you're finally able to generate confidence in your body. But because of your fear of this good feeling being foreign, being new, you will start to second guess yourself and you will become afraid that this might be arrogance. This is very much based on restrictive socializations that women get, they're told self-deprecation is the only way to serve, is the only way to move forward and to love others. So then, when women start to feel good about themselves, it is an extremely novel sensation to them. So at that point you might think to yourself I shouldn't be feeling good about myself, because that's definitely a training that we're never given. Then the fear of foreign feeling makes you think that this must be arrogance. So this is what's actually happening When your neurochemicals are creating confidence as an emotion in your body and you're feeling good, then your untrained mind immediately labels it as wrong and immediately directs you towards the fear of arrogance.
Speaker 1: 7:06
Because that's what's familiar An all possibility of you showing up from confidence, contribution, service, value, making, money based on your skills all of that washes away instantaneously. So the simple process is you're allowed to be confident and confidence feels good in your body. There is nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself. How you experience the sensations of confidence is highly individual, but next time you're feeling this openness, this motivation, this pride of hard work, don't limit yourself by being afraid of these feelings just because they're new, and don't automatically label them as wrong. Move into them, explore, be curious, be inviting and stay present with them.
Speaker 1: 7:54
So the way we avoid arrogance is not by being afraid of it. It's by being aware of it and then getting into practice of understanding how these two feelings are experienced in your body. And there are two ways to keep a check on that. Once you scan your body and you ask yourself is what I'm feeling arrogance? Be curious and open about the sensations of your body. Be also open to experiencing the sensations of confidence. Be aware of when you've dropped into arrogance versus when you're experiencing confidence because of your pure intentions.
Speaker 1: 8:30
This type of questioning on the body's level comes with a certain skill development and this level of somatic awareness is unfortunately not commonly taught. This body awareness is definitely something I've built into my coaching program, empowered Muslim Women. So if this is something you want to develop and you totally should, because understanding your emotional language is your biggest gateway to success, according to many, many scientific studies so if you want to develop this level of somatic awareness, then reach out to me for a free, private mini session. So one way is to ask your body am I feeling confidence or have I dropped into arrogance? But if that's not available to you and you're not in practice with understanding the language of your body. Then just trace back to what are you thinking in that moment?
Speaker 1: 9:19
A clear definition of arrogance is seeing yourself superior than others. So for most of us that live mostly in their heads, this method should be relatively easier. The first was awareness of the sensations of the body and the second is awareness of the sentences in your mind. In this method, all you have to do is trace back and ask yourself am I considering myself better than others in this moment, better than my husband, better than the people in this meeting, better than the people at the mosque, whoever your confidence is supposed to be serving in that moment? just ask am I considering myself superior than them?
Speaker 1: 9:56
It's a simpler way to hash out and separate arrogance from confidence, but it still requires a degree of insight. It still requires introspection and self-honesty. It is much easier to do if you're just starting this workout, but it's okay if you can't identify it clearly right away. Just keep asking and just keep tracing back to your thoughts. What could I be possibly thinking in this moment that could produce arrogance? Is it creating confidence or pride? Just be open to the answers you receive. Stay curious. If you do find a fleeting thought of superiority, then just do istaghfar and self-correct. You don't have to announce it, you can just do it in your head. You can make the raha and, from a clean slate, start creating thoughts of confidence. That is the whole work while we are alive on this planet Constant course correction.
Speaker 1: 10:53
Some examples of arrogance are Islamophobia, fatphobia, body shaming. If you are at your goal weight and you judge other people when they're overweight, it's a type of arrogance. Scholars say that the sin of Iblis was that of arrogance. Devil said to Allah swt You created me from fire. He didn't say I created myself, he admitted the power of Allah over him. One could be arrogant while admitting what they have is from Allah. So you can be thankful and grateful but still have intrusive thoughts of superiority. It could be over your neighbors, your in-laws, your circle of friends. So be vigilant about this.
Speaker 1: 11:38
Kibir or arrogance, seeing yourself superior from others, can happen even while admitting to Allah's blessings. Gratitude is an amazing emotion, it's a great habit. But just because you're grateful doesn't mean you can't fall into arrogance. So give some separate attention to cleaning up the arrogance. So, on my quest to try to satiate my insatiable curiosity, i'm currently learning about the concepts in Iher al-Uloom by Imam al-Ghazali and our teacher described the concept of ujub.
Speaker 1: 12:12
Urjab is self-pride. This type of arrogance does not require anyone else to be present, it does not require comparison and feelings of superiority to any other person, meaning one can be full of themselves without comparison to another person. So our teacher said if you are the only one existing, you cannot have arrogance, because for arrogance you have to have superiority when compared to others. But you can have ujub. Arrogance is such a profound language and the closest translation he found to ujub is self-pride. Ujub was the initial sin of Iblis. Arrogance of shaitan comes from ujub of shaitan, and what I extrapolate from this is because he was one of a kind, a jinn, promoted to the ranks of angels because of his devotion to prayers. His initial sin was feeling self-pride. That then led to arrogance.
Speaker 1: 13:12
Ujub is defined as a feeling of exaggeration of one's virtues and good deeds, their overestimation and your oversatisfaction with them, accompanied with a sense of superiority on the account of these good deeds. A person with ujub considers himself free from all shortcomings and faults, sort of what we describe narcissistic personalities. In this time, ujub describes emotions of pride and arrogance with great granularity. Ujub develops into kibir. Self pride develops into arrogance.
Speaker 1: 13:46
When I first learned this concept, it was nearly impossible for me to picture how it could possibly be showing up in my life, and I had to remain really, really curious, because you can't avoid what you can't identify. So I did identify one place where OJAP shows up for me and for many of my clients that I coach. Where I see the fear of self pride showing up the most is in acts of your bada. If you decided you wanted to slow down during your five daily prayers and you wanted to be more present, if you decided to recite Quran consistently, in this case, self pride would be the feelings of self-exaggeration based on these good deeds, but fear of self pride would keep you from even making an attempt in this right direction. For example, i coached someone who was afraid of giving charity because she kept thinking about how. She was afraid she was doing it to feel better about herself. She was afraid she would become too proud And, believe me, this happens to all of us.
Speaker 1: 14:51
The second you start thinking about waking up on time for fajr or waking up for tahjjud, the voice says oh, so you think you're all that now? Look at you trying to be an overachiever. Look at you trying to be a goody two shoes. This is about fear of ujjab, fear of self pride. This fear, just like the fear of arrogance, will keep you from improving your acts of prayers While studying the characteristics of Prophet peace be upon him. It leaves no room for self pride and arrogance. This is the key way to convey Islam Release judgment for yourself and others.
Speaker 1: 15:28
If you're trying to study people in your life to see if they are acting from ethical confidence or not, i'll tell you. Don't waste your time, because you can't tell what emotional fuel someone else is operating from unless they tell you how they feel. Without this information, you cannot accurately guess. But when someone is operating from clean confidence, their energy is totally different. They have a vibe of respect about them, non judgment, openness and that vibe attracts success. If you sense that in someone and it inspires you to replicate it for yourself, great. But don't continue to dwell on trying to figure out if others are operating from clean confidence or not. You're not the judgment police. It just takes time and energy away from your own self improvement.
Speaker 1: 16:19
Create confidence without arrogance or self pride. All you have to do is check if your thinking is creating a feeling of superiority against others or against yourself. And if you do find yourself in that place, then do istighfar and redirect back to ethical confidence Anytime you find yourself in ujub or Kibir. That is not the reason to stop doing what you're doing. That is not the reason to stop showing up as your best self. It's not the reason to stop elevating your prayers, not the reason to stop showing up in service of others.
Speaker 1: 16:57
That is exactly what shaitan wants. Shaitan wants you to stop. He wants you to have a crippling fear of self, pride and arrogance. The prophet peace be upon him said none of you should say my soul has become evil. He should say my soul is in bad shape, reported in Bukhari and Muslim.
Speaker 1: 17:19
No matter how many times you find yourself in arrogance or self-pride, you are not allowed to bully yourself for it. You cannot say to yourself I have become a bad person. You say I was in a bad place. Because if you label yourself as bad, it will keep you trapped. It doesn't allow for improvement. It stops progress. It abrupts a life of your son. Your life is supposed to be about constant striving, constant correction. It's not supposed to be about living in a cocoon because of your fears, and in this case these fears of kibir and ujub feel so justified Like of course we should stay away from these. They are significant diseases of the heart. Of course you should attempt to stay away from this as much as possible, but do it so that you don't end up strangling your confidence in your effort.
Speaker 1: 18:14
Remember, human nature is to flip flop. The kalb changes meaning, it turns over from moment to moment. Most women that are in their professional fields have such high processing power that their thinking is faster than the speed of what their conscious mind can comprehend. And if you don't slow down to reflect what your subconscious mind might be offering you, then your internal systems of emotions can be in turmoil. So pause and reflect, slow down and assess, otherwise you will be operating from arrogance or self-pride without conscious knowledge of it. And your lack of knowledge is unfortunately not a get out of jail card on judgment day. Theory of thoughts, mind management and somatic awareness are your keys to success. Engage in mindful awareness of your internal dialogue for the sake of improvement, not for the sake of self-judgment. Remember the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam did not allow that.
Speaker 1: 19:21
Ethical confidence is a clean space for you to create for yourself, just because you have so much to offer You as a human being has the same freedom to grow and evolve as any other human being on the planet. If you prioritize your religion, your spirituality, you have even more reason to prioritize your confidence. You have the same freedom to be ambitious as any other non-spiritual person. Religion is not holding you back. Lack of mind management is holding you back. Circumstances never hold you back. Your inability to create non-judgmental self-reflection is what holds you back. Your marriage, your past, your parents, your children, your financial situation none of it is holding ethical confidence back. Only thing that is holding you back is the choices you make in impactful moments.
Speaker 1: 20:17
Confidence fuels clean actions And while it might feel unfamiliar and strange in the beginning, it is not a bad thing If you have purified your intentions behind it. All you have to do to clean up your thoughts and your intentions is ask why you want to create confidence. How is confidence serving you? Where can you put this confidence to good use in your life? Keep the language to yourself clean and keep treading forward, and if you do find garbage of arrogance and self-pride on the road, just clean it up.
Speaker 1: 20:51
Don't stop walking on the road of ethical confidence just because there is garbage on it, fear of self-pride and arrogance was created to keep you away from it. This is an amazing mechanism to keep our hearts clean. This fear was created so that you don't contaminate the space of your ethical confidence. This fear was not created to keep you feeling and acting small and insignificant. If that is happening, then shaitan has taken a hold of your fear and he is manipulating it to keep you from striving on the right path. When you create ethical confidence, the world would stare at you in awe, inspired by what you can actually accomplish, inshaallah.
Speaker 1: 21:32
With that, i pray to Allah swt. O Allah, grant us the wisdom to recognize and appreciate the blessings you've bestowed upon us, and help us to share our knowledge and skills without feeling superior to others. Clean our hearts and minds so that we may always remain grounded in our gratitude and sincerity. Make us examples of ethical confidence that inspires all Muslim sisters around the world to strive on their path to success. Protect us from arrogance and self-pride. Cleanse our hearts and minds of any thoughts and feelings that might lead us astray from your path. Only remind us that our accomplishments are a result of your mercy and guidance. O Allah, please guide me and everyone listening on the straight path. Ameen yadabu ala alameen, please keep me in your doors. I will talk to you guys next time.
