Speaker 1: 0:05
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast. Apply tools that you learn in this podcast and your life will be unrecognizably successful. Now your host, dr Kamal Atar. Hello, hello, hello everyone. Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
Speaker 1: 0:19
I happen to be thinking about a situation where I put so much work in taking care of my kids and my family and there's not much that competes with that responsibility. I mean, I make all conscious and subconscious effort to make that my priority, but I started to think about why do I do that? Is it because it's expected of me? Is it because it's the right thing to do? Is it because everyone does? It? Is my motivation that Allah, subhanahu wa Allah SWT gave me this family as a blessing, alhamdulillah, and I have to use it as an amanah, and I will be questioned about it if I don't take care of this properly. While all of the above are true, at some point or another I have used all of these thoughts to motivate myself to create a welcoming environment in my home, but in that moment I continued to ask myself this question genuinely why do I prioritize my family? Why do I work so hard to take care of their needs? The answer that came to me was somewhat selfish, which is that I was trying to create a sense of belonging for myself. So, again, this reason looks selfish on surface, but it's not necessarily a bad reason. But I thought about it in a way where if I nurture loving children, then there's a higher chance that they'll be nurturing towards me and all throughout this journey I will have a higher chance to call some people a part of my family where I can belong. And this led me to think how critical a sense of belonging really is for a human being, and we don't talk about this need of belonging as much as we talk about our other needs as a human being. We talk a lot about safety, food, shelter, but what about belonging? Belonging is one of the most primal needs that human beings have, and I want to point out to you how to create belonging easily. For us, as a Muslim woman, a sense of belonging is so extremely critical. It is considered essential for survival In the 50s and 60s, when most of the psychology experiments were being conducted based on behavior as a measurable outcome, which in itself was a great effort.
Speaker 1: 2:15
But now we know that thoughts and feelings matter a lot more than behaviors themselves. In that era, harry Harrow published a study in 1958 on Reese's monkeys. He separated newborn Reese's monkeys from their birth mothers and put them with an inanimate mother. Each monkey had an access to a motherly figure, either made out of wires and wood or a motherly figure made out of cushion and soft cloth. The twist in the experiment design was that the wire mother had a food source attached to it, but the soft cushioned mother did not. You would think that baby monkeys would prefer food for survival, but they preferred the soft mother. They would only detach from her to drink milk and then come right back. Now. He was studying attachment behaviors, but this, along with many other scientific studies, show that human need of belonging, which is right alongside of food and basic safety. So infant rhesus monkeys form a more affectionate bond with a soft cloth mother who did not offer them any food. They did not create an affectionate bond with a wire-made surrogate mother that did provide food but didn't provide comfort.
Speaker 1: 3:27
This is just a small experiment showing you the importance of belonging. So, given that we've proven a sense of belonging is extremely important for your well-being in your life, how are you creating it for yourself? I ask this often to myself where do I have this in my life? How am I working to create it If I already have it? How can I nurture it more? If I don't have it? How can I obtain it? And all of these questions are valid and, like I said at the beginning of the podcast, this was my selfish conclusion. When I provide support for my family, I'm hoping for a sense of belonging. It's not necessarily bad. So my effort in this podcast is to help you create belonging for yourself with minimum effort.
Speaker 1: 4:11
But also, let's talk about the misconception which is that we think belonging comes from other people for us, meaning it's somebody else's responsibility to give us a sense of belonging. And this is just again, a gentle reminder. Our own sense of belonging comes from us, even when we're taking care of responsibilities towards others as a mother, towards your children, as a wife, towards your husband, as an employee, towards your colleague in your workforce, as a sister, towards your siblings. If you are taking care of all of these responsibilities, you are creating your own. All of these responsibilities, you are creating your own sense of belonging. It does not come from other people accepting your services. They can never give you a sense of belonging. Your sense of belonging only comes from your own thoughts. You can draw a sense of belonging from their presence, as I draw a sense of belonging from my family, my children, my friends, as they're around me, but it comes from my own thoughts.
Speaker 1: 5:08
So, as a Muslim woman, for us to create a fulfilling life and having a sense of that belonging is absolutely fundamental. So how are you going to actually create that? How are you going to create it for yourself in your current life as it stands today? When I talk about creating a sense of belonging for yourself, I have to remind you that women are socialized to think that everything they need to create requires hard work, meaning meaning whatever you need to do can only come from hard work. But, like I said, I wanted to make today's podcast about creating a sense of belonging and making it easy for yourself podcast about creating a sense of belonging and making it easy for yourself. You do not have to work yourself to the ground to be able to create an environment of belonging for yourself. The fascinating thing about the brain is that it will produce what you feed it. Perceptions are projected and projections are perceived. So if you're feeding into thoughts that it's hard work to create belonging or anything valuable, then you will find yourself working hard to create all of that and your brain will never come up with any idea of how to create that value easily.
Speaker 1: 6:14
This podcast is about creating your own sense of belonging with enjoyable effort that feels easy, flows smoothly and doesn't leave you tired and spent. This sense of belonging is extremely nourishing. It's not energy draining, it's energy repleting, if anything. And there are three themes that you're going to get used to when it comes to being able to create your own sense of belonging with ease and comfort. And don't worry for the introverts, it does not always require conversations and talking to people in gatherings. You can always create a sense of belonging without ever starting a conversation. The three common themes that I'm talking about are number one you create belonging with humanity at large, not just with people in your immediate family and relationships or your BFFs. Number two, as I mentioned before, is that you make it easy for yourself, give yourself instructions of how you can extract a sense of belonging from a person or a group of people without making it hard work.
Speaker 1: 7:17
It doesn't mean, when you choose to belong to a group, that you have to do acts of service for them. You don't really have to. You can, if you want to, to do acts of service for them. You don't really have to. You can if you want to. You don't have to be the host. You don't have to stay late for cleanup after a friend's party. You don't always have to volunteer to take notes for a friend's group in a class.
Speaker 1: 7:35
Your acts of service and your hard work doesn't always increase the chance of belonging in a group, and I emphasize this point over and over again because, as women, we are so deeply encultured on thoughts about service and that's the only way that other people will accept us. We are brought up to believe that self-sacrifice is the only chance at belonging, but that is not the absolute truth. Yes, it happens, but that is not the only way. Just asking this question and giving yourself instructions that I want to easily create a sense of belonging in this conference, in this party, in this play date or on this date how can I do that? Just asking this question will help you step out of your self-sacrificing mode and make this process refreshing, repleting and self-sustaining.
Speaker 1: 8:22
Then number three of the common themes is you can totally undertake this journey for selfish reasons, meaning you are creating a sense of belonging for yourself. All of this to create your own sense of safety and providing yourself your basic human need. All of this just to fill your own cup, if you wanted, and then, when your own cup is filled, you can do whatever you want with it. I personally recommend that you take this journey for your own reasons and don't call it selfish, because you deserve a fulfilling life just as anybody else, and I coach a lot of women around this topic. So these three common themes don't only create belonging within your birth family and your cousins and childhood friends or college friends, but creates belonging with humanity at large. Do it in an easy way and do it for yourself. So what are some of the methods to do that?
Speaker 1: 9:14
One of the easiest ways to create belonging is to identify shared values. This is so you can focus on what's common rather than what's different. When you focus on shared values, brain immediately presents to you a sense of belonging with that group of people or that person. The next easiest method to create belonging for yourself is to help the other person feel like they belong. To help the other person feel like they belong. So I love painting and when I see an art exhibit at our library from a local artist, I appreciate what I find beautiful and I make an effort to leave a written note, or I find their Instagram or their website and DM them about the pieces that I saw. All of this creates an immediate sense of belonging for me belonging to the art community, an immediate sense of belonging for me, belonging to the art community, regardless of what my skill level is. All I'm doing is acknowledging other people's effort, creating a sense of belonging and appreciation for them, and my brain creates a sense of belonging for myself through this common interest. And notice how this doesn't involve any direct conversation. And this is just one method, although I myself love having conversations, especially about topics of interest, about art. But this is just an example.
Speaker 1: 10:24
Take interest in other people's passions as much as you want them to be interested in yours. Like you have to understand how mind-numbingly easy this method is. It is because when you create a sense of belonging for somebody else, not only do they immediately reciprocate it, but, independent of their actions, your brain will immediately reciprocate with giving you a sense of belonging in that group. It doesn't matter what their actions are. Your own subconscious mind will create proof that you now belong, and it doesn't have to be as an artist. It could be somebody who has an eye for beauty and skill. So focus on what's common. Did you travel to the same place? Were you born in the same month? Do you have the same number of siblings? Do you enjoy rainy weather? Do you hate clutter? And again, practice doing that at all levels of humanity, from strangers to closest relatives. You will be surprised, when you seek out commonality with others, how easy it is for your subconscious mind to help you see that you belong and it immediately starts to fulfill your one of most basic needs as a human being.
Speaker 1: 11:28
The next one is compliment, not just randomly, not forcefully, but only when you actually mean it. And it does not have to be the most flattering compliment. It could just be a small one. Like I like your choice of the wheat bread with your dinner, I think I'm going to go with the same sandwich that you ordered, or that you found the entire presentation boring, that your colleague just finished. But you did find the summary in a visual format very easy to understand. You can just verbalize your appreciation for that. Thank you for presenting the last slide as you did. I'm a visual learner. It made everything clear for me.
Speaker 1: 12:03
And again, it inevitably happens that you compliment someone else and they engage with you in some other respectful way. Usually, the least they can do is say thank you, and then your brain's work is super easy to create a sense of belonging in that sentence with your colleagues, with your work environment, because now the subconscious mind is working with the proof that somebody is grateful to you, and all of that with the most minimal effort. But extracting that sense of belonging still depends on you, because if you're not trying to do it with ease, your brain will ignore this proof of appreciation. So, compliment appearance, compliment choice of wardrobe, compliment skill level, compliment somebody's parenting style. It is such an easy method because compliments are not hard to think of. Through a compliment, through a common interest, you create space for somebody where they haven't created space for themselves. You're noticing things they might have not even noticed for themselves. Even after all of these acts, no matter how easy it is, it is still your responsibility to think that I'm doing this to create my own belonging. I want to be the person who helps other people feel good about themselves. I want to be remembered for noticing people, for complimenting them, for lifting them up.
Speaker 1: 13:25
So then the next method has to do with causing no harm, and as a physician, we take a Hippocratic oath. Part of it says do no harm. And the same can be applied to your own efforts of belonging Meaning if you have nothing nice to say, just don't say anything. You can consciously choose times and places where, when something doesn't sit right with you, you vocalize clearly, forcefully, with a constructive manner, not in a degrading manner. That doesn't help any party, that doesn't help your message. But if you've chosen a scenario where you want to create your sense of belonging let's say it's a work party, because you like your job and you want to start to like people, but it's hard for your brain to find something common and it's hard for you to find something to compliment then start with do no harm.
Speaker 1: 14:09
First, reject the tendency to blame when there are issues. Focus on understanding the problem rather than assigning blame. Blame and judgment of others will only create an unproductive atmosphere. If you avoid this tendency to harm, you have a higher chance of creating belonging, since you have already decided to do so. This do-no-harm philosophy is extremely helpful in your long-term relationships and your deep, meaningful relationships, because even when you're having differences of opinion, and actually, especially when you're having differences of opinion, it is extremely important not to assign blame, because that will immediately eat away at your belonging without really solving the problem. Along the lines of do no harm, the next recommendation is do your best to not give unsolicited advice. There are a lot of situations when we think other people will benefit from our opinion, but practice recognizing if they ask for it or not. Giving unsolicited advice eats away at belonging, Continuing with the do no harm philosophy.
Speaker 1: 15:15
Another way to create belonging is to keep secrets. When you come across something that someone's uncomfortable about and doesn't want to share, it is tempting to share it with others, to create a sense of belonging through gossip with other people. But that kind of belonging is superficial and comes at a cost of hurting the person who wants to keep the secret. And comes at a cost of hurting the person who wants to keep the secret. None to mention it qualifies as ghibah bagbiting, which is considered a sinful quality in Islam.
Speaker 1: 15:44
In the moment when sharing a secret seems like a good idea because gossip is popular and you want to belong here, practice remembering that not sharing the secret creates a deeper sense of belonging with the person you are keeping the secret for. So let's imagine you learn about a colleague's upcoming promotion before it's officially announced. While you might feel the urge to share the news, to bond with other co-workers because you're still sharing good news, right you have to remember that the colleague might have trusted you with this information. By keeping it to yourself, you honor their trust and create a stronger, more respectful relationship. When the promotion is finally announced, your colleague will appreciate your discretion and feel a deeper sense of belonging with you and again your brain will reciprocate the same. Or let's say, a friend confides in you about a personal struggle, like a health issue or family problem. When talking to other friends, you might have the inclination to share this information, to show how much you sympathize with the person you're keeping a secret for. But you just remember, respecting your friend's privacy builds a stronger and more genuine bond, a deeper sense of belonging, which happens later. It's a long-term gain. It happens when your friend feels safe and supported by your discretion. It enhances their sense of trust and belonging in your relationship, which your brain reciprocates as well.
Speaker 1: 17:07
Belonging is a long game. Anything that promises a sense of belonging with immediate gratification, like sharing a secret, is usually belonging with immediate gratification like sharing a secret is usually shaitan's trick and a flat-out lie. Besides these ideas, other ideas include, especially for my extroverts, that you can be a connector. You can be the person who networks very well and you connect one person to another. Introduce people who will benefit from knowing each other. Connect a friend looking for jobs. Connect a friend looking for a spouse. It can be the easiest thing for you to do in the world, especially if it comes naturally to you. Why not use it to create your belonging, to create your community? Maybe it's as easy as sharing a post that your local library got new kids books on Islam. I mean, how easy is that? And I also think that the things I'm sharing with you, you've already done them or you're already doing them in your life.
Speaker 1: 18:00
But the reason I'm making a point to mention what otherwise seems mundane and like everyday tasks is because you're not slowing down to use these efforts to create your own sense of belonging. You're still stuck in a place where you think belonging is going to be hard work and nothing you're already doing. You're extracting your sense of belonging from If you share your knowledge and skills, let people know you're making dua for them. You're making dua for the sick one in their family. You don't have to prepare and drop off three hot meals at the house just for you to create your sense of belonging in that family. You can absolutely do that, and Allah rewards effort immensely. This is not an invite for you to start undercutting your efforts, especially if you are going out of your way to help others. But what I'm saying is that please slow down enough to extract your sense of belonging from whatever efforts you're putting in, so that you feel fulfilled while you're doing them, no matter how small your effort is. Only Allah SWT can reward exponentially, inshallah. Slow down enough to gather your most basic human need, regardless of the effort you're putting in. But this is a special invite to make your process easy for yourself.
Speaker 1: 19:19
Practice active listening, especially if it comes easy for you. Just reciprocate the very last point that the other person made, just in your own words. If you couldn't pay attention to all of their conversation, giving full attention for too long if you haven't had practice is hard for some people. But again, how can you make it easy for yourself? Make eye contact. If that's uncomfortable, practice making eye contact for just one second. Then increase the duration by one second each week in your interactions. This is a classic desensitization technique. Now you just have to be mindful that eye contact is not considered respectful in all cultures. So read the room.
Speaker 1: 20:01
Express gratitude for things that meaningfully help you, no matter how small the other person thinks their effort was. Just thank them for it and mention why it was special for you, so they themselves can get over their own minimization of their effort. They can start to believe that what they did for you was actually meaningful to you. In all of this, regardless of what the other person does or doesn't do for you, how you create your sense of belonging is entirely up to you. In all of this, regardless of what the other person does or doesn't do for you, how you create your sense of belonging is entirely up to you. If you're finding it challenging to think that you can create a sense of belonging without self-sacrifice and extreme hard work, then I would remind you that you are already doing a lot of acts of service. You're just undermining these efforts and not counting them. Once you start to build your evidence up and start to build the effectiveness of your apparently minimal efforts, you will see how impactful they are in creating your belonging. You can create a lot of value with the least amount of effort. If you can help people feel seen.
Speaker 1: 21:03
The human being's most primal need is to belong. If you can send a thank you note, a text message that shows appreciation, that helps the other human being feel like you accept them. This is the best value you can create with the least amount of effort. In all of this, you would have to expand your capacity to feel the sense of belonging, because if you're not used to, it might feel strange and you might sabotage it in some unintentional way, which is why it was a rude awakening for me when I came to the conclusion that I am in service of my family because I want to have a sense of belonging, I want to have a home, I want to belong to this group of people belonging, I want to have a home, I want to belong to this group of people. A few more points that I want to make before our parting dua.
Speaker 1: 21:50
Because of your ability of metacognition, to be able to think about your own thinking it doesn't matter if you even have another human being around you. You can still create a unique opportunity of your own belonging within yourself. This is a superb gift that Allah has given each human being. And then, if everything else fails and you can't uplift yourself, you can always remember that you belong to Allah. That is just a factual reality that we're living in. So when you listen to this podcast and you implement everything week by week, so when you listen to this podcast and you implement everything week by week, you can come back to all of these concepts to create a change. But when there are days when you can't even put the easiest effort to create your own sense of belonging, then just support yourself, because you always have the option of accepting yourself. You don't have to live in self-rejection and if, at times, you find it hard to support yourself, then you always have Allah. Your one true identity is your soul and it was given to you by Allah and that is where you ultimately belong. This is the most profound and the most effortless sense of belonging that you can create for yourself. That will fill your cup With that.
Speaker 1: 23:05
I pray to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, o Allah the most merciful, the creator of the heavens and earth, we ask you to fill our hearts with peace and tranquility. Help us find a sense of belonging and acceptance wherever we are in our homes, communities, relationships. Grant us the wisdom to strengthen and protect the secrets entrusted to us. Help us build relationships based on trust and respect. Guide us to be the source of comfort and support for others, and help us remember that our mind, body, heart and soul are never really alone and always and ultimately belong to you, o Allah. Make all of our journeys easy for us in this life and the next. Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, please keep me in your du'as. I will talk to you guys next time.
