Reclaiming a Healthy Ego in Marriage: Setting Boundaries with Compassion

When Ego Alignment Brings Peace to Marriage

When I say “ego,” as written in the title of this post, I’m not talking about becoming arrogant or selfish. In Islamic spirituality, the word nafs can refer to different states of the self. There’s the commanding self (nafs al‑ammara), which urges us toward sin and indulging our desires the reproaching self (nafs al‑lawwāma) that swings between mistakes and regret and the tranquil soul (nafs al‑mutmainna), a state of peace and contentment. When I invite you to “reclaim your ego,” I mean cultivating that tranquil, anchored sense of self.

Let’s now unpack the different modes of the nafs. The Qur’an describes the nafs al‑ammara, the commanding self, which pushes us to follow our base desires. It’s that voice that whispers “just one more” when we know we should stop. There’s also the nafs al‑lawwāma, the reproaching self, which flips between wrongdoing and guilt. And then there’s the nafs al‑mutmainna (the tranquil soul) emotionally balanced and at peace. When I say “reclaim your ego,” I’m calling us to cultivate this tranquil soul, not to indulge the commanding self. 

Let’s say, for example, you’ve come home from an exhausting work day and all you want to do is rest, but then the kids from the living room asking, “what’s for dinner?” Then your husband innocently asks where his shirt is because he’s got to be somewhere important in the next few hours. This story shows an example of a woman who is patient on the outside, but may be feeling resentful on the inside. This is not the ihsan our faith calls us to. If this is resonating with you, then you’re not alone.

My friend Dr. Jennifer Clark, a brilliant, no-fluff, and also trained in psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy, once said something that cracked me wide open: “Ego is a tool you can pick up and put down.” That sentence shifted something in me. For so long, I’d been treating my sense of self like it was either a monster to slay or a badge to wear. I thought I had to either kill it off to be spiritual or cling to it to be powerful. But a tool? That gave me permission to approach it with both reverence and responsibility. Like a blade in your kitchen that is capable of slicing fruit or cutting off your own oxygen. 

And the reason I’m writing all of this is to show you that it’s not the tool that’s dangerous, it’s how you use it.

Aligned ego sounds like:

• “I need to rest before we talk.”
• “I’d feel supported if we shared this responsibility.”
• Choosing calm when emotions are high.
• Saying no to gatherings that overwhelm you.

When you honor your capacity, your love becomes lighter. 

Your ego is not the enemy. It is the tool Allah (SWT) entrusted you with to protect your heart and to build love with presence.

Want to go deeper? Join Wisdom Wednesdays and learn how ego alignment can bring peace back to your marriage.

https://www.islamiclifecoachschool.com/wisdom-wednesdays